A Mother Who Lost Her Child

A David and Goliath Story

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Wed, 10 Mar 2021 15:53:02 +0000

One of Will's coaches spoke at his memorial service. I asked him to write the story he shared so I could recall it later. The story has minor parallels with David-Goliath, demonstrating Will's mental strength to overcome his size at a young age.

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Grief in the Time of Coronavirus

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 01:30:58 +0000

This crisis can affect our mental and emotional state. I know grief, but this is additive. Shortly before the COVID-19 pandemic ensued and governors ordered stay-in-place, my family passed the second- year milestone without my adult son. He took his life shortly before his twenty-fourth birthday. I know grief; it sits on my shoulders and is my constant companion. Since my son’s angel anniversary, I am experiencing old symptoms of grief that had previously subsided. I have little desire to be productive: I lack focus, and I am feeling anxious and angry. Grief is an individual experience and isolating on its own. The grief I experience is different from that of my daughter and his father. Similarly, the experience I have with the pandemic is different for me than it is for them. My husband is a small business owner, and the stress he carries is tremendous, concerning his safety, the safety of his employees, and the financial loss. When doing the round-robin on family or support group conference calls, our experience is too deep to comprehend for others as they quickly move on in the conversation. Each person is capable of dealing with their pandemic-stricken situation and loss, yet, they feel helpless in ours. After the death of my son, I found writing as therapy, and with the encouragement of my therapist, I started a blog. I have not been able to write since the virus exploded across the U.S., even with the extra time I now have. I am feeling the loss of socialization, a warm hug, distractions, and forward-looking things-to-do. While these losses are hard, I know they are temporary. They are nothing like the loss of a human being. As I take in the daily news, I feel disbelief and anger. The root of my mental state is I am distraught over the state of my country. I am grieving the loss of life and lack of competency from our highest political offices. This unfathomable event has occurred, and the self-serving, inept leadership response is taking a toll on human lives. I am super sensitive to it, having lost a child. Political leaders have a moral responsibility to put citizens before self-interest. Still, the defiance of intelligence and slow response to act puts the U.S. at a higher loss of life than any other country. Those same leaders lack empathy or comprehension of the impact caused by their lack of leadership; yet, they still retain supporters. Other political leaders are remaining silent over the fear of jeopardizing party relationships or concern over public polling numbers. At the same time, these leaders’ slow or lack of adequate response is putting the burden on everyday heroes who are emerging. There is an absurdity to the response of this global heath pandemic that has left me distraught. A new absurdity arrives each day in my inbox via social media and the news. These, at the moment, are the most absurd: Political leaders, propaganda news outlets, disregard facts, science, and the truth. Unsubstantiated theories are made viral and are the basis for decisions. The President treats his press briefings as a reality show and touts his ratings in comparison to reality television shows. He calls the press names and their reports “fake” when they ask tough questions he cannot answer. His modus operandi is to create false hope. The President will fire anyone who contradicts him, even if those in his administration based those contradictions on solid facts. The President values loyalty over competency at the expense of the American people. African Americans are dying at higher rates from COVID-19, bringing to light underlying societal issues never addressed. There is a disproportionate amount of poverty, inadequate housing, limited access to good health care, and chronic illnesses such as diabetes and hypertension. Right-wing talk shows give air time to those making excuses and minimizing the loss of life. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly is the latest example, saying that many of those who have died from the coronavirus “were on their last legs anyway.” The Wisconsin GOP and Supreme Court forced voters to choose between their health and their civic duty, likely suppressing the Democratic vote in the primary election. Wisconsin’s Republican State Assembly Speaker Robin Vos even assured voters it was safe to vote in person while dressed in full PPE. Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick and other conservative radio hosts are arguing grandparents would be willing to sacrifice their lives for the younger to open up the economy. Coping For my sanity, I have gone to a world according to the late-night talk show hosts who highlight the absurdity. So the crisis does not consume me; I limit my daily news to a select reputable news outlets known for reporting truth and facts. In my free time, I am going back to the basics by cooking from ingredients in the freezer stocked two years ago when we did a lot of entertaining. It was something we enjoyed doing as a family before my son died, now we go simple. Leftovers go back into the freezer to eat in the weeks ahead of us for staying-in-place. It is going to take time to come out on the other side of the Coronavirus. I look forward to November 3, 2020, when I can cast my vote to bring back sanity. Until then, I make an effort to listen with empathy when people share their struggles. I am making more of an effort to connect with others, even if it is a simple text message of, “I am thinking of you.” I am acknowledging why I feel so distraught. I will not run away from the news and chaos, but I will take time for myself, go for a walk or run, do yoga, or take a bath. In the meantime, I will not be hard on myself when writing seems so foreign. Instead, I stay up late binge-watching shows on many subscriptions of streaming services I recently purchased. Take the time to talk to your mental health care provider or behavior health counselor. A recent opinion piece in the New York Times on feeling grief during the Coronavirus pandemic received many responses from readers. Many are feeling grief for people, normalcies, and rationality. My therapist’s office called to set up a virtual check-in. I have not seen him for several months. It is a good time for this connection. It is essential for everyone to take care of their mental health, especially now in this crisis, as it can take a toll on one’s mental and emotional state. Here is a word from a psychiatrist at NYU Langone Medical Center about the importance of taking care of your mental health, shared in live broadcast event on April 18, 2020, One World: Together at home – celebrating heroic efforts of community health workers. “Many people are experiencing fear, anxiety, and grief during this crisis, and it is normal. If you are experiencing persistent low mood or anxiety, as well as changes in sleep, appetite, concentration, trouble experiencing joy or motivation, talk to your mental health care provider or behavior health counselor. If you have had a prior history of anxiety, mood, trauma, or substance abuse, or on the front lines, you too can be more vulnerable. Make time for your mental health, talk to a trusted person about them.” and lastly, “Remember, You are not alone.” My Posts AllAdvocacyFeature PostsKnowing My SonMy Loss Survivor JourneyPhotos MemoriesRecipesVideo Stories I Have Been Trolled My Loss Survivor Journey I Have Been Trolled October 13, 2019My Loss Survivor Journey A Bucket Full of Acorns My Loss Survivor Journey A Bucket Full of Acorns August 31, 2018My Loss Survivor Journey He Found His Calling Knowing My Son He Found His Calling November 5, 2018Knowing My Son

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SMILE. Ugh, Please Do Not Ask Me

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 17:32:20 +0000

In black letters on a completely white board was a one-word sentence, SMILE. The billboard brought back a memory when someone told me to smile at an unhappy time in my life.

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Memories Bring Back You

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 01:50:08 +0000

"Music triggers precious memories, and memories bring you back to me. I feel a connection to you when I listen to your playlists, in the car on road trips, and while doing things that help me find peace. Certain songs help me remember you."

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The Next Right Thing

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Dec 2019 22:36:22 +0000

In the movie, Frozen II was a personal message for the three of us, his father, sister, and me, to keep going one step at a time, no matter how inconsequential; to do the next right thing.

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Coping With the Holidays After Loss

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 15:43:32 +0000

It will be the second year of celebrating the holidays without my son. Last year we mostly avoided the holidays. This year we are going to focus on the traditions that bring him with us while creating some new ones to make it easier.

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Oops

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 02:43:44 +0000

A friend and reader told me after reading one of my blog posts, she tried to contact me from the contact page but received an error. If you tried to contact me, please try again.

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Scary Movies

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 01:11:51 +0000

I created a list of the memories I did not want to forget, as that is all I have now. Those memories flash through my mind when I close my eyes. I have started to document those memories in writing. One of them is about a scary movie my son watched with his friends.

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Is Wonderful Gone Forever

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Oct 2019 01:02:50 +0000

Wonderful for me, is our family when the four of us were together, my son, daughter, and their father. I contemplate, is wonderful gone forever? Life is not wonderful; it is different.

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I Have Been Trolled

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 17:50:17 +0000

You do not need to be famous to attract trolls because a person trolled me. It was a message that caught me off guard, and my heart sank. I wanted it gone immediately off my computer screen. After sharing the post with a friend, they said, "Your blog got to someone." This incident brought back my memories of being bullied and the heart-wrenching feelings when I read about my son's experience after his death. In his own words.

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