Knowing My Son Archives - A Mother Who Lost Her Child

A David and Goliath Story

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Wed, 10 Mar 2021 15:53:02 +0000

One of Will's coaches spoke at his memorial service. I asked him to write the story he shared so I could recall it later. The story has minor parallels with David-Goliath, demonstrating Will's mental strength to overcome his size at a young age.

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The Next Right Thing

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Dec 2019 22:36:22 +0000

In the movie, Frozen II was a personal message for the three of us, his father, sister, and me, to keep going one step at a time, no matter how inconsequential; to do the next right thing.

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Scary Movies

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 01:11:51 +0000

I created a list of the memories I did not want to forget, as that is all I have now. Those memories flash through my mind when I close my eyes. I have started to document those memories in writing. One of them is about a scary movie my son watched with his friends.

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Love Expressed by Food

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 19:28:23 +0000

Cooking and meals were an important bonding time for my family. After my son died, I have a hard time bringing myself to cook. But I do have reasons to cook. I can show my love, especially to my daughter as her future past is my present.

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Happiness Is Like a Painting

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 21:04:11 +0000

Putting life experiences in a written story is artistry. My daughter is an artist, and we can see that from her artwork. What was hidden on my son's computer were a few stories he wrote for college classes. He was an artist too, sharing a piece of his life in writing.

Happiness is like painting, going through the creative process. Like an artist working on their artwork, each person is an artist of their day, week, life.

My son captures the emotions and value of a young adult's college experiences and compares them to the painter's artistic process of creating beauty from painting.

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Celebrating Your Birthday Apart From Each Other

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Sun, 28 Apr 2019 23:34:22 +0000

Even though you will not see your loved one physically, you have the memory of them of how they filled and continue to influence your life. Celebrate that on their birthday. My son will be turning 25 soon. I believe people still age in heaven, at least chronologically. They no longer have a physical body, of course, but I think they still have a bodily form. I imagine they can choose whatever age they want to be for their heavenly body.

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Your Son Saved My Life

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Sat, 23 Mar 2019 23:10:39 +0000

Between short messages back and forth, my son’s friend shared, “I have to tell you a story, your son saved my life, and the lives of three others.” The story begins with exchange students, from warm climates, experiencing the elements of a Montana winter. This story says so much about my son, and how great of a person he is.

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Rainy Days (z)

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 01:30:20 +0000

My son's friend is a hip hop artist and poet. He gave my son a voice, who is not here to express himself. It was important for my son to be a good friend. His friends miss him, and it is hard to bare that he not with them anymore in the physical state. This song is beautiful and will make you cry. It feels like my son has been gone forever, and like he was just here. Time has stood still and moved fast. All I know is I want him back. Why did we not get a second chance with him?

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Chicken Wings and Football

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Fri, 01 Feb 2019 23:20:32 +0000

Certain dishes create distinct memories; of my mother or of happy celebrations. When I think of the Super Bowl, I recall visions of chicken wings and young adults.

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Binge Watching Over Winter Break

peggy.crandell@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 12:00:55 +0000

I turned the television on and opened up the streaming service Netflix. I scan through the trending movies and series, then past those recommended for me. I move the cursor to the right to view more selections. A couple of titles over is the series Grand Tour. It is a new series by the same original hosts of the BBC series Top Gear. My son first introduced his father, sister, and me to the Top Gear series when he was in high school, over a winter break. Top Gear“ is a car show that refused to be a car show. It was about three guys (Jeremy Clarkson, James, May, and Richard Hammond) having fun, doing crazy, stupid things with cars, and many other types of motored and non-motored vehicles, pushing everything to the extreme. It was very bizarre, funny, intense, stupid, brilliant, and pure entertainment (Top Gear A-Z, 2015).” Periodically there was racing, education, and reviews on cars, but mostly silliness spanning over 13 years (2002-2015) and 25 seasons. My son loved cars, as I think most males do. He knew all about the latest models. The series also published a magazine with the same name. For gifts, we would get him a yearly subscription. In his room is a basket full of the magazines. I never felt it was my place to throw them away. He outgrew the fun of reading them, but he kept them in his bedroom, as a decorative fixture or piece of furniture. Our kitchen and dining room are connected as an open living space. We spend a lot of time in this area, so the room includes a television. One winter break we cleared the dining table, put out a 1,000 piece puzzle, and began a Top Gear binge-watching marathon. We have done other puzzles as a family, but this was one of the most concentrated duration of time together, completing one. We all crowded on the bed to watch the show, laughing, and enjoying this shared connection. After that, we long awaited for each new season. One of the last Top Gearseasons we watched was when he was home from college. He hooked his computer up to the television in our bedroom, and we all crowded on the bed to watch the show. I am not a car aficionado in the least, but this is irrelevant. What makes the show so enjoyable for me, are the relationships between the three hosts (my favorite being Hammond, as he reminds me of the teen idol Davy Jones) and the challenges they are required to take to test high-end cars or not so high end. We sat on the bed, laughing, and enjoying this shared connection. Looking back, I must have felt some connection to the British, as I owned a 2004 Land Rover Discovery when the kids were in middle school through high school. After trading it in, I always turn to look when a vintage model passes me by on the roadway. We talked about taking a driving holiday through Europe together. We would rent a high-end car for three weeks and drive the iconic roadways. I distinctly remember watching an episode on Topic Gearas the three hosts raced on the Trollstigen, in Norway. I think that episode started the planning. My son found a villafor us to rent in Provence, in a hilltop village. I recently discovered the linkI had saved to my favorites on the internet. My son moved out of the house by the time Netflix produced Grand Tour. When Grand Tour first was released in November 2016, he would come over, and we would watch it together. He is choosing to lay on the family room floor next to the dogs. The magazines are still in the corner of his bedroom. I dust them like I do his other furniture and memorabilia. My daughter said he always knew the best shows and introduced her to others that became her favorites: That 70’s Show, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Psychand Avatar the Last Airbender, to name a few. The latter maybe generational, as I do not recall this one. The magazines are still in the corner of his bedroom. I dust them like I do his other furniture and memorabilia. I have kept his other toys and books from his childhood. I use to think he may want these things someday for his children. We never talked about why I kept his toys, and he never asked me. I now wonder if those were happy or sad memories for him. I never asked him for fear of the answer. You can watch past episodes of Top Gearon BBC Two and Amazon and Grand Touron Netflix.

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