He made friends from all over the world, in Montana, where he went to a university for two years, in Pennsylvania, where he worked at a camp for two summers, and in the state where he lived growing up.
After my son left us, I went through his computer, notebook, and phone, looking for answers or any connection to him. I found writing he did for a communications class. I think the assignment was around a personal reflection on communication behaviors and techniques to improve upon them, reflecting on the assigned class material. His writing is very personal. He only had one serious girlfriend. After she broke up with him, he shared with me a journal the two of them sent back and forth to each other. That is when I learned he was a good writer. He was in-tune with his deep feelings and was able to articulate those into words.
He made friends from all over the world, in Montana, where he went to a university for two years, in Pennsylvania, where he worked at a camp for two summers, and in the state where he lived growing up.
I am so angry with myself for not creating an environment for him to share them with me. I have read that this is common: for parents to go through the “could have, would have, should have” and regrets.
As I write this, I wish I could hear his voice again, sharing with me what he wrote in his paper about himself. I missed those chances, and I am so angry with myself for not creating an environment for him to share them with me. I have read that this is common: for parents to go through the “could have, would have, should have” and regrets.
In an excerpt from one of his paper’s, four years before, he shares this reflection of himself.
“There is one time this summer that sticks out. Two of my friends and I worked together painting residential exteriors through a college staffed painting business. We spent a lot of time together and became closer as friends. To pass the time while painting, and to distract us from the heat, one of my friends shared a personal relationship struggle that left him distraught.
[My son wrote what caused his friend’s struggle. I am excluding that piece because there are details that I think should remain private.]
“My other friend responds, comforting him perfectly. He asks great questions, being sensitive, empathetic, and is not quick to give advice. I, on the other hand, didn’t know how to react. This was the first time someone was opening up to me, and I didn’t know how to respond. I had never been in that situation before, listening or disclosing. I just stood there and painted. This was my chance to connect on a deeper level with a friend, and I couldn’t. I was so uncomfortable I didn’t even really make eye contact. If anything, I came off as judgmental because I didn’t acknowledge him through this process. If I opened up to someone, and they didn’t say anything, I would think they didn’t care how I felt. It would come off as very rude in my opinion. I didn’t mean to be rude at all. I didn’t know how to react because I had never been in that situation before.
” I have trouble relating to my friends on a deeper level. I don’t know how to go about it because I never disclosed anything as a kid and no one disclosed anything to me. …to create closer relationships with my friends I think the first step is to start opening up to them. I can tell them how I struggle in school, and I’m really worried about my future. It keeps me up some nights, and I am honestly scared. I could tell them how happy I am to have them as friends because they have pulled me out of a depression state before.
“A dear friend has cancer right now and is one of the nicest people I know. In these upcoming weeks, I would like to open up to him. If I disclose some of my “secrets” to him, I know he will make me feel comfortable and not embarrassed. He is going to want to hear the whole story and make sure I am okay. I know this will make me more open to the idea of self- disclosure, and then I won’t be awkward or uncomfortable when I am put in this position again. I will feel more comfortable when a friend is opening up to me or if I need to open up to a friend. This will help lead to a closer relationship with my friends.
“I need to take into consideration the impact self-disclosing will have on myself, the person listening, and the relationship. Reflecting, when I have self-disclosed, I talk and vent and wind myself up. I don’t care about anything besides me and my pain. That is not the point. The point is to fix the problem, whatever it may be.”
What he did not know, at the time of writing the reflection paper, is that he already excelled where he thought he was inadequate. He was consistent in his personality and drew people in.
What he did not know, at the time of writing the reflection paper, is that he already excelled where he thought he was inadequate. He was consistent in his personality and drew people in.
After his death, I asked family and friends to share stories of him. Each paragraph is an excerpt from a different author. And, these writers are not the same persons whose reflections appeared in a prior blog.
“What seems to rise to the surface when I think of my friend, are his traits. His gentle nature. His huge heart. His goofball sense of humor. His genuine interest in people. His kindness… that unconditional, contagious, unique ‘only he can have’ type kind of kindness. Just being around him made me strive to be a better person. I’m a firm believer that If everyone could be just a little bit more like him, the world would be a much better place. I’m thankful to have had someone to talk with about things like feelings and emotions during a period of my life where I wasn’t particularly open about that stuff. He would come over, and we would have long conversations about important subjects: our self-esteem, our values, and our general outlooks on life. That was one of the first times I’ve experienced vulnerability with someone. I’m thankful that I was exposed to his kindness on a daily basis.”
“I loved my friend for his lovely soul. I considered him as my brother as he was helping me with many things in my life as an international student.”
“Of all the people I know, my friend is honestly one the most down to earth and genuine people out there. I have sometimes struggled with stress and depression, and my friend was always happy to talk. As a person who had likewise struggled with mental health in the past, my friend was never judgmental or uncaring. He was always so able to relate and empathize with what I, and others, were struggling with, and that is such a valuable skill. He had a keen eye for how others were feeling and wouldn’t hesitate to check in and see what was up. It could be something as simple as a friendly text message or going out of his way to make you feel included at a party when everyone else would be okay just passing you by.”
“He was a sincere listener, always interested in hearing about you than talking about himself.”
He was everything he wanted to be.
There is more, but this conveys he was everything he wanted to be. One of his friends that he painted with that summer wrote about it. His reflection is one of the fond memories.
“The summer of 2014, the three of us found jobs painting houses in the neighboring metro areas. These were 10 hour days, 5 to 6 days a week out in the heat, climbing up and down ladders with 30 pounds of paint strapped to your side, and questionable safety standards. Not to mention we were all almost entirely covered with paint, head to toe; we weren’t the neatest crew. The reasons to not have fun were seemingly endless, but now when I look back at that summer, I remember it for how much fun it was. For every heavy ladder lifted there was a laugh shared, and for every hot day survived there was a bonfire to attend or a lake to jump into. My friend was there for all of those memories, and infinitely more outside of the summer of 2014.”
I want him to know how great he was and so impactful in our lives. He was a fantastic person, and I want to share all of what made him fantastic with you. Maybe by writing this all down, it somehow will get to him through us ingesting it into our minds, hearts, and souls.
All of those in the friend group suffered heartache, when their dear childhood friend, who had cancer, left this earth in 2015. Their suffering was added to when my son died. They lay to rest next to each other. When I visit my son, I visit with his friend. I hope they are dancing together.
I know there should be a conclusion here, a way to summarize and reflect this post’s content. I am struggling to do that. I want him to know how great he was and so impactful in our lives. He was a fantastic person, and I want to share all of what made him fantastic with you. Maybe by writing this all down, it somehow will get to him through us ingesting it into our minds, hearts, and souls.
I will keep writing, and you should continue to tell me about him. Writing can come in many social forms: text me, reply at the end of a blog post, send a message via Facebook, or use the contact page of this blog. Write so we can keep him present in our lives.
Share with me, with all of us, what you remember and miss about my son. You will connect with his friends from around the world, bringing us together to laugh, cry, and keep him current in our lives.
Write about your feelings, your longings, why this [suicide] is not fair. Write about what is broken. Write about change, awareness, and how to make it better. You can post in the comments section below, or send me a note through the contact page of this blog.
To honor my son, his sister, father, and I will be walking to raise money for NAMI, Team Willpower! We would are honored if you joined us in whatever way you feel comfortable.
