I look for signs he is still with me
I am trying to come to terms that my son will no longer be with me, on earth, for the rest of my life on earth. It is the most painful realization that I wake up to each morning. I want to believe he is still with me, just not in the same way. I talk out loud to him when I am by myself. I keep looking for signs that he is with me.
Last night I sat outside on the patio before bed. It was dark outside and peaceful. There was enough wind to keep the mosquitoes at bay. I looked up to the stars, and I asked my son to give me a sign he is with me.
I went to the cemetery the other day to water the new grass growing over my son’s gravesite. I periodically do this, particularly when there is a dry spell. He is buried next to a friend who died from cancer a little more than two and half years prior. After my son’s grass came in, I noticed that his friend’s grass was comprised of crabgrass, not the nice bluegrass, next door. Fall is the best time to plant grass, the experts say, so the next time I went out, I packed my SUV with a rake, organic topsoil, and grass seed. My watering has now expanded to both sites.
His friend is in the Iranian part of the cemetery, so that is where my son is buried. An older couple, husband and wife, were at the cemetery, placing red roses on several graves and a bouquet of roses in a vase on one in particular. They took pictures and said prayers.
I watched their ritual from the corner of my eye, hoping not to invade their privacy, as I filled my watering can and went back and forth from the water spicketthat is located 50 feet away. Later, after sharing this story, I got the idea that I should just bring a hose and hook it up to water spicket. Watering would go a lot faster. I bet the caretaker has never seen anyone bring their own hose before, let alone a watering can.
The wife walked over to me and asked which grave I was there for. She placed a red rose on my son’s site. I was so overwhelmed by that gesture. She knew his friend and wanted to know my son’s story. She hugged me and then went back to her husband. On the way back to their car, they stopped over and offered me halva1, which is an Iranian tradition to share. I remembered this dessert; they shared it at his friend’s internment.
I realized this was the first time, after his funeral, and outside of mental health professionals, that I had to share how he died. I said he died by accidental suicide. He was having a drug-induced psychotic episode, from ingested street marijuana, and could not tell what real or a hallucination. I said it straight-faced, as I believe this to be true. I do not think he intended to take his life that day.
I know my son is with his friend, and I think they were watching over me, wanting me to be comforted, while I was at the cemetery.
The wife said it was the first anniversary of her mother’s death. She then spoke in Farsi to her husband; I assume telling him how my son died, and her husband said to me, “We will all meet again with our loved ones. The pain we have, until then, will never go away; we just have to learn how to live with the pain until then.” They then hugged me goodbye, and I thanked them again for their kindness.
After they left, I walked over to her mother’s marker. The anniversary of her mother’s death was really the following day.
We can make up whatever we want in our minds, but I know my son is with his friend, and I think they were watching over me, wanting me to be comforted, while I was at the cemetery.
Last night I sat outside on the patio before bed. It was dark outside and peaceful. There was enough wind to keep the mosquitoes at bay. I looked up to the stars, and I asked my son to give me a sign he is with me.
It is now Friday morning. I want to go back to the cemetery to water their grass seed before it gets too hot and before I had my nails done. I infrequently have my nails painted, but I wanted them to look nice before attending a family wedding the following day. My husband was slow leaving the house, and I usually start my day after he leaves. I did not want to have to explain to him what I was doing putting a hose and a watering can in the back of my car; so, I left the house a little later than planned.
Was this a coincidence? You see, I need my cousin. She brings me comfort, makes me laugh, and she gets it. I think that was the sign from my son, that he is with me, and trying to help me get through this.
I had just started my watering routine, and a car pulled up next to mine. I park in a “No-Parking” spot in front of the service road entrance, so I thought it was odd a car pulled up next to mine. My dear cousin, from the East Coast, and her husband, got out of the car. I could not believe it. I knew they had flown into town the day before, escaping Hurricane Florence, to attend the wedding, but we had not arranged to see each other until Saturday. They have another family in town, so they were spending time with them beforehand.
My cousin’s father-in-law lives within several miles of the cemetery. They had gone for coffee, and they were headed to visit his brother who had just driven in from out of town. My cousin came for our son’s funeral, last March, but her husband was not able to attend. She thought the cemetery was somewhere in the neighborhood but did not recall the directions, so she was going by memory. The cemetery is easy to drive past because it is in a large woodland area. Passing it by, they did a quick u-turn, to drive back to it. They could not believe it, driving to where they thought my son was, to see me, standing there. My son still does not have a marker, but that is a whole other story, so they needed me there to find his grave.
Was this a coincidence? You see, I need my cousin. She brings me comfort, makes me laugh, and she gets it. I think that was the sign from my son, that he is with me, and trying to help me get through this.
My daughter was in town that Friday night with her architecture class on an architecture tour. We met her downtown for dinner, at a restaurant I always wanted to try. It is in the eclectic warehouse district and the top tier of restaurants within our state.
My son would have joined us. He loved eating out at good restaurants and getting dressed up. We then went for coffee and dessert at a dessert kitchen. It was a nice night out as we walked back to our car. There was live music playing overhead, perhaps coming from a concert venue nearby. The song playing was, “Can’t Stop the Feeling!“ (Timberlake, Martin, Shellback, 2016). There is history with my son and this song. While working at a camp in PA, he created a dance move and choreographed a dance routine to this song, for a performance by the camp “non-bunk” staff.
It could very well be a coincidence, or it could him, arranging for us to be walking past while the song was playing, giving us a sense of his presence.
For his fellow staff members, his father, sister, and me, this song will forever remind us of him. It is a famous song, so it could very well be a coincidence, or it could him, arranging for us to be walking past while the song was playing, giving us a sense of his presence. My daughter and I danced on the sidewalk while it played.
The camp has found a couple of clips from the choreographed dance; one of the group, and a second performing a move from the movie, Dirty Dancing.
I want to thank all of those who keep sharing stories and thoughts with me, about my son, even if they are just text messages. Each is so meaningful, telling me how he shared his life with you, little details, perhaps intimate things he shared. Please take the time to do this. Telling me what you miss about him, what you remember; share pictures and videos as you find them. My son had many friends and acquaintances. I also want to thank those of you who have introduced yourself to me and shared about yourself. You are now part of our lives: his father’s, sister’s, and mine.
1. “Persian Halva is a sweet, dense paste made of flour and butter, mixed with a syrup of sugar, saffron, rosewater, and cardamom that gives it a pleasant taste and smell. In Iran it is usually served at funerals or during Ramadan(fasting) month, garnished with shredded coconut or slivered almonds. Marzie, and Lilly. “Persian Halva.” The Persian Pot, 20 Sept. 2016, <www.thepersianpot.com/recipe/persian-halva/>.
He did not intend to die that day. I believe that in my heart, brain, and every part of my being.
“I did not mean it. I did not mean it. I did not mean it.”
“I am really sorry. I do not know why this happened.”
“I felt like there was a shift in my brain, like an opioid experience. Like there was something more in the drugs (street marijuana). It should not have happened like that. There had to have been something else in the drugs. There was a chemistry change in my brain. It was like an out of body experience, like a dream state; I was watching myself, going through the motions, but I had no emotion tied to it.”
“I was really tired. It was not an intentional suicide. I was not in the correct state of mind, but like in a catatonic dream. I do not know how this happened.”
In researching about marijuana, I also came across information where it can lead to a psychosis state. I think this is what my son was in, not knowing what he was doing was real.
He did not intend to die that day. I believe that in my heart, brain, and every part of my being. He had made plans with a friend, earlier on the phone, to meet the following week. He was making other long-term plans for attending an upcoming wedding and finding a new place to live. His apartment was clean. There were fresh towels in the bathroom. He had eaten the groceries we bought the week before together. He was watching YouTube videos earlier in the day. He had spoken to another friend, earlier, stating he felt anxious and thought it was the brownie (laced with street marijuana).
In researching about marijuana, I also came across information where it can lead to a psychosis state. I think this is what my son was in, not knowing what he was doing was real.
[Psychosis state is a condition that affects the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. A person’s thoughts and perceptions are disturbed and the individual may have difficulty understanding what is real and what is not. Symptoms of psychosis include delusions (false beliefs) and hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that others do not see or hear). Other symptoms include incoherent or nonsense speech, and behavior that is inappropriate for the situation. A person in a psychotic episode may also experience depression, anxiety, sleep problems, social withdrawal, lack of motivation and difficulty functioning overall (National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), n.d.)].
"I've done a lot of drugs in my life. The most negative drug experiences I've ever had in my life are from weed edibles."
I have heard about these psychosis stories, reading them on Youtube posts and second hand, from those who experienced them. The actor Seth Rogan, shared in an interview with Howard Stern, the risks with edibles. Rogan said, “They are a crapshoot.” Snoop Dogg told him he does not use edibles as there is not an off button. Rogen further said, “I’ve done a lot of drugs in my life. The most negative drug experiences I’ve ever had in my life are from weed edibles.” He shared the risks of taking one bite too many from a gummy bear. Drug manufacturers continue to test the drug dosage in their manufacturing process so no dose is too strong. This controlled environment is not present in the home kitchen, causing a risk of the higher dosage. I have attached a link to the Seth Rogan interview posted on YouTube (Howard Stern Show, Jun 23, 2017).
I do not think these experiences are myths. Research tells us these are real. Psychosis may be a symptom of a mentalillness, most commonly schizophrenia, but can occur from other causes, which I think was applicable to my son, “…Such as sleep deprivation, certain prescription medications, and the abuse of alcohol or other drugs, such as marijuana, can cause psychotic symptoms (NIMD, n.d.).”
I also found through research that certain people are more vulnerable to psychotic states from marijuana, not tied to a mentalillness, especially at high doses. From viewing his phone, I know he bought 2 ounces of marijuana (which is a gallon size zip lock bag). I have read 2 ounces is much more than an average casual smoker will possess at any given time. They baked a large amount of it into the brownies.
[Marijuana can produce an acute psychotic reaction in non-schizophrenic people who use marijuana, especially at high doses, which fades as the drug wears off. (National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA), 2018, June 25).
One of his friends said that marijuana was only a social thing for them. For this time too, the intent was social. They divided up the brownies the night before. They said he was in good spirits. He seemed no different.
One of his friends said that marijuana was only a social thing for them. For this time too, the intent was social. They divided up the brownies the night before. They said he was in good spirits. He seemed no different.
His friends shared, they did not experience side effects from the brownies, but I have read that the effects can be different, and it depends on the frequency of use. One friend shared my son was smoking marijuana more frequently. He might have smoked and ingested the day leading up. We will not know how much was in his system because the corner does not test for marijuana, as it stays in the system for weeks, so they cannot tell if it was a contributing factor.
[The strongest evidence to date concerns links between marijuana use and substance use disorders and between marijuana use and psychiatric disorders in those with a preexisting genetic or other vulnerability. Recent research has found that people who use marijuana and carry a specific variant of the AKT1 gene, which codes for an enzyme that affects dopamine signaling in the striatum, are at increased risk of developing psychosis. The striatum is an area of the brain that becomes activated and flooded with dopamine when certain stimuli are present. One study found that the risk of psychosis among those with this variant was seven times higher for those who used marijuana daily compared with those who used it infrequently or used none at all. (NIDA, 2018, June 25).
Dr. Jennifer Ashton, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent (Twitter @DrJAshton), spoke today on the morning news, about a spike in marijuana use for college age, young adults, the highest use in three decades. In my son’s case, I know street marijuana is not a safe drug. There can be unknown additives to the drugs and by ingesting it, you can not control the high. It is just dangerous. I lost my son from it.
I know he loves me, his dad, and his sister. I know he is sorry, and I know this was out of his control and therefore, not his fault. We will figure it out; how to get through this, for him to be with us on earth, while he is in his after-life. I just want him to be happy.
Postscript
If you are a naysayer to the belief that marijuana can be addictive, I have attached a reference for you, which states that it can be addictive, and there is a risk of overdose, from the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA), (2018, June 25, Marijuana. Retrieved from <https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/marijuana-addictive> on 2018, September 5).
Post Postscript
A year past his death, new findings are coming out the about marijuana and psychosis.
Eighteen months, past my son’s death I found new conversations on social media about the risks of mixing marijuana with chocolate, causing a greater high, which is a risk for psychosis.
REFERENCES
National Institute of Mental Health, n.d., RAISE Questions and Answers, viewed 05 September 2018, Retrieved from <https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/raise/raise-questions-and-answers.shtml>.
NIDA. (2016, January 11). Hallucinogens. What are hallucinogens?, Retrieved from <https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/hallucinogens> on 2018, September 5.
NIDA. (2018, June 25). Marijuana. What are marijuana effects?, Retrieved from <https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/what-are-marijuana-effects> on 2018, September 5.
NIDA. (2018, June 25). Marijuana. Is there a link between marijuana use and psychiatric disorders?. Retrieved from <https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/there-link-between-marijuana-use-psychiatric-disorders> on 2018, September 5
My son has a playlist titled “Disney”. I had to look this up, but yes, Disney is a music genre. His playlist has 18 songs, and if played continuously through, it provides one hour of fond childhood memories, or in my case, fond memories with my children.
He felt comfortable in his own shoes, enough to share those childhood whimsical memories, as an adult, with his friends, driving in his car, on road trips, to get ice cream, or just listening, while sitting on the couch.
This playlist tells me a lot about my son; such as, he had good memories of his childhood. He felt comfortable in his own shoes, enough to share those childhood whimsical memories, as an adult, with his friends, driving in his car, on road trips, to get ice cream, or just listening, while sitting on the couch. Now, when my daughter and I are together in the car, we listen to this playlist.
One of the songs is from Toy Story, “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” (Newman, Randy, 1995). I remember when Toy Story came out in the theaters the summer of 2010. My son was sixteen at the time. He told me he and one of his guy friends went to see it. There might have been more friends who went, but I distinctly remember one person in particular. My son told me, of course, they would go, as that movie was so much of their childhood, this being the third edition. Toy Story 2 was released in theaters in 1999 when he was five. My son had a Buzz Lightyear talking action figure. The wings would eject open when my son made Buzz play “To Infinity and Beyond.” It was one of his favorite toys when he was little. I still have it, tucked away in a wooden toy box. I saved many of his toys, thinking it would be meaningful for his children to have some of his original toys. Even though that now will not be possible, I still keep them, as I cannot let go of any of his belongings.
Every friend he brought into our home was worthy of his friendship. They were so fun, friendly, and gracious, and we were and are so fortunate he has such great friends, and that he shared a small portion of their lives with us, in such an intimate setting, as our home.
As adults, he and his friends continued to see Disney movies when they were released in the theaters. Another song on his playlist is from the movie, Frozen, “Let It Go” (Anderson-Lopez, Kristen, Robert Lopez, 2013). Two of my son’s friends have shared different memories about him and this song with me.
The first is from a college friend who lives in the United Kingdom (UK). After my son’s second year at Montana State University, he invited several groups of college friends to stay with us at different times over the summer. She was one of them. Every friend he brought into our home was worthy of his friendship. They were so fun, friendly, and gracious, and we were and are so fortunate he has such great friends, and that he shared a small portion of their lives with us, in such an intimate setting, as our home.
Time passes very slowly for me since my son died. It has almost been six months, but it seems just like a month since he left us. Several months ago, this friend sent me a message. She was writing her master’s thesis and was listening to the soundtrack from the movie Frozen, to motivate her. She thought of my son and shared this story about him with me.
“Yesterday for the first time in a long time, I listened to the soundtrack from the film Frozen, to try to motivate me while I was working. The whole thing reminded me so strongly of your son; we watched it together a few times, and he used to send me memes about the “Let It Go” song.”
She said they probably connected to Frozen because it came out while they were in Montana together, and surrounded by snow. There is a picture she sent me of his Toyota 4-Runner, from the back end, engulfed by the deep snow, the Montana mountains, and tall evergreens. I think this was one of my son’s happy places.
My friend played us his Disney playlist so many times in the car. We sang to pass time, while on our road trips.
For the summers of 2015 and 2016, my son worked at a camp in the backwoods of Pennsylvania. He made friends where ever he went, and one of his co-counselors from camp shared another story about my son’s Disney playlist.
He told me my son was always there to lend a hand at camp, as they mentored a bunkhouse of young boys. He could make him smile and whenever possible, said, “Let’s get out of here and go for a drive,” when they had free-time, in my son’s beloved car. That car was a huge part of their summers at camp. This is his story.
“One day off, we chose to go to Syracuse, a city 2 hours away, where we went for a few drinks and then stayed over in a hotel (me, your son, and another counselor also from the UK). The drive didn’t start off great as we got stuck in the thick fog and we got lost. We didn’t let that dampen our spirits, and for the remaining hours we sang to our heart’s content; whether they were Disney songs, rap songs, country, or whatever genre it was, we had a blast singing, to make the journey fly by. He played us the Disney playlist so many times in the car. That and his country playlist. Other journeys (in his car) were down to the local ice cream place, or to the local town and on our days off. We spent most of my summer in that car. One time, on the way back from the ice cream place, he fit nine, or even ten of us, in the car, just so everyone could get back in time before curfew.”
Attached is a video, singing on the way to Syracuse, where you can hear my son, and the other friend on the trip, singing “Let it Go.”
Each story about my son, sentences or paragraphs, is a gem to be treasured. Please keep sharing them with me.
You see, each of these stories about my son is a gem to be treasured. Please keep sharing them with me, no matter how much they will make my heart ache.
If you want to know when I publish new posts you can follow me on Twitter @Peggy_Cran. I would like to hear from you as well. You can reach me on Twitter or via the contact page on my blog.
REFERENCES
Anderson, Darla, K. (Producers), & Unkrich, Lee (Director). (2010). Toy Story 3 [Motion Picture]. USA: Pixar Animation Studios for Walt Disney Pictures.
Anderson-Lopez, Kristin, Robert Lopez, “Let It Go” – From Frozen, Soundtrack, 2013, performed by Idina Menzel, Walt Disney Records.
Del Vecho, Peter (Producers), Buck, Chris, Jennifer Lee (Director). (2013). Frozen [Motion Picture]. USA: Walt Disney Animation Studios.
Guggenheim, Ralph, Bonnie Arnold (Producers), & Lasseter, John (Director). (1995). Toy Story [Motion Picture]. USA: Pixar Animation Studios for Walt Disney Pictures.
Newman, Randy, “You’ve Got a Friend In Me” – From Toy Story Soundtrack, 1995, written and performed by Randy Newman, Walt Disney Records.
Plotkin, Helene, Karen Robert Jackson (Producers), & Lasseter, John (Director). (1999). [Motion Picture]. USA: Pixar Animation Studios for Walt Disney Pictures.
