Listening to music can be am emotional trigger. It can alter or enhance a mood, or relieve stress. Melancholy music can make you feel sad. Rhythmic music can make you want to dance or move your body. Romantic music will put you in a loving mood. Music also evokes memories that were long gong.
"Music triggers precious memories, and memories bring you back to me. I feel a connection to you when I listen to your playlists, in the car on road trips, and while doing things that help me find peace."
When my daughter was home on winter break from college, she shared with me a new song she heard, “Memories” by Maroon 5, (2019). The first time I heard it, I recall thinking it was a lovely song.
"I think of you most often when the world is muffled around me, in the car, in the shower, outside under a dark sky."
After she had gone back to school, and things had slowed down from the holidays, I was alone in my car, driving. Driving, when by myself, creates a muffled-like experience, allowing my thoughts to come forward. I am free from the activities of work, away from social media, and the distraction of television and home activities. It is quiet in the car, even when the radio is playing in the background. When I know the way to my destination, and the road conditions are stable, driving is second nature. This allows my mind to wander.
Being in the shower provides a similar experience. Activity outside of the bathroom is muted by the sound of falling water. The confinement of the shower creates privacy for my thoughts.
Other loss survivors have shared that they also cry in the car, sometimes causing them to lose track of time and distance; they end up missing turns or destination exits. One of my friends, who lost her adult daughter, shared about one of her crying episodes.
She was on her long commute home from work in stop-and-go traffic on the highway. The long slow drive was the perfect incubator for bringing the grief, emotions, and thoughts to the surface. She was sobbing through her drive. She came out of her state and looked around to the car stopped in the lane next to her. The driver must have been watching her as the traffic slowly moved. When their eyes met, he grabbed a tissue and motioned as if handing it to her through the window. This kind gesture made her laugh, and it was a distraction to get her out of a moment of sorrow.
Driving in the car, by myself, is when I heard the song Memories, for second time. This is when I focused in on the lyrics and their meaning.
In the car is where I heard the song “Memories” for a second time. The muffled sound of the outside world allowed me to focus on the lyrics. The words connect listeners with those we have lost, toasting the memories, as the memories are what brings the loved ones back to us. Maroon 5 released the recording in late September 2019, fitting for the time over the winter and holidays, which can be when loss survivors really miss their loved ones. For Christmas, the New Year’s celebration, my daughter’s twenty-first birthday, ski season, football playoffs, and Valentine’s Day, my son is not present.
Are his friends connecting to the song, toasting to the memories with my son?
I think of my son’s friends and how much they are missing him as well as missing his friend who died from cancer several years before. I wonder if they, too, are connecting to this song as I hear these lyrics from “Memories”:
Cause the drinks bring back all the memories of everything we’ve been through.
Toast to the ones here today. Toast to the ones that we lost on the way.
Cause the drinks bring back all the memories, and the memories bring back you.
There’s a time that I remember when I did know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
My heart feels like December when somebody says your name
Cause I can’t reach out to call you, but I know I will talk to you one day. (Adam Levine, et al., 2019).
This was the second year his friends gathered for their annual holiday gift exchange party since my son died. His friends were significant to him, and time with them was a priority.
My son will always be in their memory and heart. If he had a voice, I think he might have told his friends, as they gathered,
“Even though I am only with you in spirit this holiday, I will be there if you think of me.
“Friends, when you, everyone, is back in town, and you come together, picking up the conversation right where you left off, I am there too. I am at your gathering when you laugh at the dry humorous jokes that are shared. I am there when you talk about the MN Vikings’ season. When you discuss the Marvel movie series, and the next installment of other movies we enjoyed together, and the latest comedic act out on Netflix, I am there. I am there when listening to the well-crafted music playlist that sets the celebratory mood and inspires you to dance. I am there when you select the perfectly intended Secret Santa gift for the person whose name you have and later, when you exchange gifts, with warmth and laughter.
“Physically, my chair is empty, but I am there with you in your memory, in the signs you least expect, and the warmth in your heart. I am there. Go Vikings!”
I will carry on my son's soft spoken nature in the fight for love, inclusion, and respect for opinions, all races, sexual orientations, religious beliefs, and basic human rights.
Additional “Memories” lyrics speak to feeling disheartened and how to use the loved one’s memories to carry the torch for the justices vital to them. I honor my son as he was a fantastic person. I have chosen to advocate by bringing his friends, family friends, and our family together annually to walk in his memory to raise money for suicide prevention. I advocate for inclusion. I write his story, so the memories never fade. He may be an uncle one day, and I want his nieces or nephews to know him.
There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop
Now my heart feels like an ember, and it’s lighting up the dark
I’ll carry these torches for you and know I’ll never drop.
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday,
But everything is going to be alright. (Adam Levine, et al., 2019).
I have added the song to my favorite playlist. I listen to it in the car when alone where it is quiet and let the tears flow.
References
Mamo, Heran. “Here Are the Lyrics to Maroon 5’s ‘Memories.'” Billboard. N.p., 01 Oct. 2019. Web. 22 Jan. 2020.
Maroon 5. Adam Levine, Jacob Kasher Hindlin, Jonathan Bellion, Jordan Johnson, Michael Pollack, Stefan Johnson, Vincent Ford. “Memories.” 222Interscope, 2019, Spotify
