Five months ago, the life I knew left me, along with my son. He was the most beautiful, infectious, consistently warm, kind, pleasant person, and he was a genuine friend who cared. He should not have died. It was a bad day, things fell through, and he was alone. No one would have thought this was possible. Later we learned he was self-medicating with marijuana. Reflecting, we know there were signs, individually noticed. We just did not put them together.
I now write a blog to express what I am feeling and experiencing on this new journey. Maybe what I put down into words will resonate with other parents who have lost a child to suicide.
My therapist gives me assignments, ‘so to speak.’ She wants me to do something for myself each week. She gave examples like getting a massage, going to yoga, having lunch with a friend. My good thing each week is to attend a suicide survivors support group.
A brochure came in the mail shortly after my son died. I wondered how did the sender know; did this come from a friend, the funeral home, the police? I put the envelope away in a box for over two months. Then one day I pulled it out. My current therapist was no longer meeting my needs, and I was looking for someone who dealt with suicide. The support organization included referral services. It turned out, the referral was not a good fit for me, but through it, I learned of other services–ongoing services that connected me with others just like myself.
At first, I was not ready to hear other people’s stories. They were so vivid and traumatic. I soon got past that and realized I needed this group because they were like me. No one really understands unless one is in the same situation. I now go almost every week as a part of my therapy. People are in different stages of their journey. For some it has been years since they lost their loved one, others less than a year. Listening and sharing with others regardless of their stage is helpful.
I learned from them I am not crazy for feeling the way I do at the different stages. They have given me permission to say, “no” to certain obligations that really do not matter in the big picture, because I just am not ready. They ask, “How was your week?” and, “Do you have any milestones or events coming up that may be difficult?”
I am sharing my support group resource with you. If you are affected by the loss of someone to suicide, whether a friend or family member, think about finding a support group for yourself or a loved one.
Another thing I appreciate is that I, too, can be there for someone else, even, at a time when I wonder why I should get out of bed.
I know this is life changing, losing my son, and I will never be the same, but, one day, I will learn how to live in this new life, just like others have in my support group.
I am sharing my support group resource with you. If you are affected by the loss of someone to suicide, whether a friend or family member, think about finding a support group for yourself or a loved one.
