I turned the television on and opened up the streaming service Netflix. I scan through the trending movies and series, then past those recommended for me. I move the cursor to the right to view more selections. A couple of titles over is the series Grand Tour. It is a new series by the same original hosts of the BBC series Top Gear.
My son first introduced his father, sister, and me to the Top Gear series when he was in high school, over a winter break.
Top Gear“ is a car show that refused to be a car show. It was about three guys (Jeremy Clarkson, James, May, and Richard Hammond) having fun, doing crazy, stupid things with cars, and many other types of motored and non-motored vehicles, pushing everything to the extreme. It was very bizarre, funny, intense, stupid, brilliant, and pure entertainment (Top Gear A-Z, 2015).” Periodically there was racing, education, and reviews on cars, but mostly silliness spanning over 13 years (2002-2015) and 25 seasons.
My son loved cars, as I think most males do. He knew all about the latest models.
The series also published a magazine with the same name. For gifts, we would get him a yearly subscription. In his room is a basket full of the magazines. I never felt it was my place to throw them away. He outgrew the fun of reading them, but he kept them in his bedroom, as a decorative fixture or piece of furniture.
Our kitchen and dining room are connected as an open living space. We spend a lot of time in this area, so the room includes a television. One winter break we cleared the dining table, put out a 1,000 piece puzzle, and began a Top Gear binge-watching marathon. We have done other puzzles as a family, but this was one of the most concentrated duration of time together, completing one.
We all crowded on the bed to watch the show, laughing, and enjoying this shared connection.
After that, we long awaited for each new season. One of the last Top Gearseasons we watched was when he was home from college. He hooked his computer up to the television in our bedroom, and we all crowded on the bed to watch the show. I am not a car aficionado in the least, but this is irrelevant. What makes the show so enjoyable for me, are the relationships between the three hosts (my favorite being Hammond, as he reminds me of the teen idol Davy Jones) and the challenges they are required to take to test high-end cars or not so high end. We sat on the bed, laughing, and enjoying this shared connection. Looking back, I must have felt some connection to the British, as I owned a 2004 Land Rover Discovery when the kids were in middle school through high school. After trading it in, I always turn to look when a vintage model passes me by on the roadway.
We talked about taking a driving holiday through Europe together. We would rent a high-end car for three weeks and drive the iconic roadways. I distinctly remember watching an episode on Topic Gearas the three hosts raced on the Trollstigen, in Norway. I think that episode started the planning. My son found a villafor us to rent in Provence, in a hilltop village. I recently discovered the linkI had saved to my favorites on the internet.
My son moved out of the house by the time Netflix produced Grand Tour. When Grand Tour first was released in November 2016, he would come over, and we would watch it together. He is choosing to lay on the family room floor next to the dogs.
The magazines are still in the corner of his bedroom. I dust them like I do his other furniture and memorabilia.
My daughter said he always knew the best shows and introduced her to others that became her favorites: That 70’s Show, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Psychand Avatar the Last Airbender, to name a few. The latter maybe generational, as I do not recall this one.
The magazines are still in the corner of his bedroom. I dust them like I do his other furniture and memorabilia. I have kept his other toys and books from his childhood. I use to think he may want these things someday for his children. We never talked about why I kept his toys, and he never asked me. I now wonder if those were happy or sad memories for him. I never asked him for fear of the answer.
You can watch past episodes of Top Gearon BBC Two and Amazon and Grand Touron Netflix.
I know my son has a gentle heart. Others figured this out too. He is funny and caring. He had great eyes that exhumed joy and invited you in. He is a looker, and you could not help but smile back when he walked into the room. I don’t have an adequate vocabulary to describe him to you, but in simple words, he is a gentleman.
He is giving and gracious; a gentle soul, who sparkled, casting love, happiness, goodness, into the hearts of everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him.
My son was inclusive. His friend group was very diverse. They were from five continents, of varying religions, races, sexes, and sexual orientations. He didn’t care if you believed in things that were the polar opposite of him. He always had a way to make you feel welcomed. His friends, who I never met before, sent me stories about him. Though continents apart, I can connect with his friends through these stories and social media conversations. We can share a piece of my son with each other. Their descriptions of his personality were consistent.
“Your son was so generous and put himself before others always. He was our knight in shining armor.”
“He was loved by everyone at camp and was very popular with the girls. I can speak for everyone at camp when I say that he was the nicest guy there, never had a bad word to say about anyone, and he was just great to be around.”
“He was always laughing, joking or smiling; he was such a positive soul that radiated his happiness onto those around him.”
“He as being a joker was always laughing and smiling. He was full of enthusiasm for whatever trip or activity we had planned next. Spending time with him was guaranteed to be fun because he had a great sense of humor and excellent comic timing, always making a witty comment or putting on a face! But he was also kind, and generous and sweet. He was an all-around wonderful guy.”
He only had one girlfriend, and she broke his heart. Heartache may have caused him to be more guarded, so romantic relationships were few. He did, build many deep platonic relationships, and I hope he knows how much people love him. He was consistent and true to his personality showing kindness and chivalry.
My son was a counselor for two summers at a camp in Pennsylvania. There, he received the honor of “Best to Take Home to Mom and Dad.”
Camp friends called him JT, short for Justin Timberlake, because he looked like the famous singer, and my son loved to dance.
He became good friends with many of the camp counselors. It would fit one was a dance instructor. They confided in each other, as trusted friends do, and they danced. Right after my son arrived at camp for the second year, he ran up to her, excitedly recruiting her to co-choreograph the talent show dance for the “non-bunk” staff.
My son was a romantic. I call him a romantic because of the writings and presents he gave his girlfriend. He meticulously chose each present, and his letters were truthful coming from deep within his heart and soul. For every gift he gave, to each person, he thought them through, so it was personal and meaningful. His sister and I were fortunate to shop along with him as he sought out the perfect gifts.
As an adult, he still loved Disney movies and music. He also loved the sultry voice of crooner Michael Bublé (Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby are the most famous crooners) and had a musical playlist titled the same. He would join his father, sister, and me in holiday movie marathons while we wrapped Christmas presents. He carried one of them into a comedic skit while having a video conversation with college friends. His friend from Barcelona shared this story with me.
“We met at Montana State University (MSU). The 6th floor of the dorm was mostly comprised of international students and few stragglers from the States. We all became good friends. After the end of the school year, in May 2014, your son went back home. One other of our friends, from the UK, and I stayed at MSU for a bit longer. Your son called via Skype (a spoken conversation with someone over the Internet using the software application Skype, typically also viewing by webcam, Dictionary.com).
Your son was recreating part of a scene from the movie The Holiday, to make us laugh (as you can tell from our faces at the bottom right of the picture). The love-stricken protagonist becomes Mr. Napkin Head at the plea of his two young girls.
When I think of your son, these are the kind of things that come to my mind. He was always ready to make everyone laugh. He always wanted to do activities, engage with outdoors, taketrips to the mountains or goskiing. If we had a bad day, he was the first one ready to watch Disney movies with popcorn. He would sing to us. Songs from “Frozen” (Walt Disney Studios, 2013), were his best performances.”
A person who loves the movie Frozen has to be a romantic. In the secondary storyline, the hero helps the heroine save the town, and they fall in love. The music is fantastically beautiful, playful, and free.
He was the best friend, romantic companion, brother, and son, anyone could have.
His sister recently told me “He was blessed with the best personal traits, beyond what his family had.” He was funny and sensitive. He had a great style and was incredibly handsome. He was not pretentious, and he put others before himself. He was smart and loved to learn. He was the best friend, romantic companion, brother, and son, anyone could have. We miss him every day, beyond whatever you could try to imagine or feel.
If you knew my son, please share your story with us. You may share them through the Contact Page, or comment at the end of the blog post. You can also contact me through Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. I build off each little conversation or correspondence you have with me when you tell me about my son.
REFERENCES
Timberlake, Justin. TROLLS (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack). RCA Records, 2016, Spotify, Spotify Link
Walt Disney Animation Studios; directed by Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee; produced by Peter Del Vecho; screenplay by Jennifer Lee; story by Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee, Shane Morris. (2013). Frozen. Burbank, Calif. : Walt Disney Pictures
Meyers, Nancy. Block Bruce A. (Producer), & Meyers, Nancy. (Director). (2006). The Holiday [Motion Picture]. Distributed by Columbia Pictures domestically and by Universal Pictures overseas
My son's grandpa makes these cookies every year for the holidays. They are the favorite of his grandchildren, and my husband, my son's father. The originating recipe is from Betty Crocker.
Instructions
Preheat oven to 350°
Cream together the shortening, brown sugar, egg, and molasses with a mixer.
Sift together the remaining ingredients, except the granulated sugar. Stir into the wet ingredients.
Chill the dough for one hour.
Roll into 1 and 1/2 inch balls.
Place the granulated sugar into a small bowl. Dip the top of each ball into the granulated sugar.
Place on an ungreased cookie sheet, sugar side up.
Sprinkle the top of each cookie with two drops of water to produce a crackled surface.
Bake until set, but not hard, for 8 minutes.
This recipe will make four dozen cookies.
Ingredients
- 3/4 shortening
- 1 cup packed brown sugar
- 1 egg
- 1/4 cup light molasses
- 2 and 1/4 shifted unbleached flour
- 2 teaspoons soda
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon cloves
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon ginger
- 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
My mom would make scalloped corn every Thanksgiving. This dish brings all of the memories of my Grandma, and a small Midwest farming town to my mouth. It is warm, creamy, sugary and full of freshness.
This recipe comes from my Aunt LaDonna
My mom would make scalloped corn everything Thanksgiving. After her death, my sisters and I carried on the tradition. On one occasion, my husband and I, and our two small children at the time visited my Aunt LaDonna in the small Nebraska town my mother was born and raised. Her farmhouse is full of antiques and decorated for the season. It was the day after Thanksgiving, and she served us leftovers which included scalloped corn. The dish brings all the memories of my grandma and her house, in one mouthful. It is warm, creamy, sugary and full of freshness.
I adapted the recipe from my mom’s, which was missing the fine details, such as measurements of the ingredients. I make it with sweet corn from the farmers market, which my husband grills them in their husks, and then cut off the kernels from the stocks and freeze, just for this dish.
I adapted the recipe from my mom’s, which was missing the fine details, such as measurements of the ingredients. I make it with sweet corn from the farmers market, which my husband grills them in their husks, and then cut off the kernels from the stocks and freeze, just for this dish.
I quadruple the dish and make half with oysters. This way everyone gets left-overs. Last Thanksgiving, I made sure my son got a large container of left-overs. He loves this dish with the oysters.
Instructions
Preheat oven to 325°
Combine all the ingredients and place into a well-greased casserole container. Cook until a knife inserted in the middle comes out without smearing of liquidly ingredients adhered to it and heated throughout approximately 60 minutes.
Ingredients
- 2 cups whole kernel fresh or frozen corn
- 2 cups cream style corn (see note)
- 2 cups fine soda cracker crumbs
- 1/2 cup finely chopped celery
- 1/4 cup finely chopped onions
- 2 eggs beaten
- 2/3 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
- 1 cup of milk
- 1 cup of oysters, drained and chopped (optional)
- 1 teaspoon salt
- Ground pepper to taste
In place of canned cream corn, I make my own. I adapted this recipe from The Gourmet Cookbook.
Instructions
With the ear of corn on a cutting board, hold each cob upright in a bowl and cut off the kernels. Then scrape the cob with the knife to extract the “milk solids.”
Transfer the kernels and milk to a food processor and puree for 2 minutes, scoping down the sides.
Transfer the kernels and milk solids to a saucepan, add the salt, cornstarch, sugar, and water. Bring to a simmer and stir until it is crisp-tender, four to five minutes.
Transfer the kernels and milk solids to a saucepan, add the salt, cornstarch, sugar, and water. Bring to a simmer and stir until it is crisp-tender, four to five minutes.
Ingredients
- 4 ears of corn
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
- Pinch of sugar (optional)
- 1/3 cup water
The holidays are a time for the family to gather and enjoy each other, engaging in traditions. Social media streams pictures of gatherings, perfect family holiday photos, and pictures of smiling people doing fun things. If this is your lens, you may tend to think others will have the same perspective, “If holidays are happy times for me, they must be for everyone else.”
I ask that you put yourselves in other’s shoes and become aware that holidays can be a difficult time for those who are isolated, feeling anxious, have depression, or are grieving.
I now join others who will have an unhappy holiday. My sister asked me if there was anything I wanted to do to “celebrate the season” this year, the first without my son.
When writing this blog entry, I realized this November, is the thirty year anniversary of my mother’s death, my thirty year wedding anniversary, the one year anniversary of my children’s favorite great aunt’s death, (who also died on the same day and month as my mother), and the first Thanksgiving without my son.
My son filled every space he entered with his beautiful face and dry humor that caught you off-guard. He was so engaging with his warm personality. He loved everything that made the holiday sparkle, especially being with his friends, who all came together back home over the holidays. He was planning to move into a house with his friends. He would have asked me for left-over holiday decorations to decorate their house. His to-be roommate had a turntable. He once asked if he could borrow from our vinyl collection when they move in together. He loved holiday music, his favorite singer being Michael Bublé. I too love holiday music and have more holiday vinyl than any other genre. He would have asked to borrow some.
I come from a family where holidays and celebrations include the tradition of preparing and eating good food. Food is not just the enjoyment of all of the sense, but it is also a way for us to be together, participating in the happiness of these preparations. My son loved to eat good food, and he recognized and appreciated when he had it. It was so fun to see him enjoy the gourmet meals I meticulously planned out and prepared which usually include delicacies only offered on special occasions.
His holiday favorites were my Aunt LaDonna’s recipe for scalloped corn (a Thanksgiving tradition), shrimp cocktail recipe from Mustard’s Grill, ribeye roast with wasabi cream sauce from epicourious.com and his grandpa’s molasses crinkle cookies. I have enclosed the links to them, but keep in mind, I usually use a base recipe and then modify to my taste.
Scalloped corn was absent from the Thanksgiving table this year because we forwent the whole event. But my son may have enjoyed it. I realized he is in the same place now as my Aunt Lavone, my mom, and grandma, all excellent cooks.
Our other traditions at family holiday gatherings included playing card games, video games, and the battle of ping-pong which he was the champion. He became skilled at the game after a year in college, where they played in his college dorm. My son played football for a time in high-school. This skill was useful during the annual Thanksgiving day game, now dedicated to him by his cousins.
He would dress up for church and family gatherings in classy attire that showed off his good looks which when he smiled, you could not resist going in for a hug.
He appreciated the hours his sister, and I spent on decorating the house interior and two fresh evergreen trees, one for each living space, making sure he commented on how beautiful it looked. I decorate the largest with Waterford ornaments. The second with ornaments collected on family trips and those passed down from ancestors. He was in charge of putting the electric train his grandfather gave him, around the tree in the living room.
We all would gather to decorate the exterior of our cape cod style home in a Currier and Ives holiday theme. He and his sister lighting the trees and bushes.
Now, I cannot follow these traditions, as they heighten the emptiness we feel because he is not here.
I sit on conference calls from my home office, where people so joyously share about how they spent Thanksgiving and how they are spending time with their families for the other holidays. Many do not know about my grief. Those that do are not self-aware that my silence in the conversation is because of the pain these holidays bring to me.
Mental health experts say “If holidays were a special time in the past and you try to recreate a time long gone, you are setting yourself up for sadness. Create new memories (NAMI, 2014).”
So for right now, please be patient with us as we try to figure out how to do this and do not expect us to participate in the same traditions we did before. It is also important to recognize my son’s “empty chair” and grieve along with us. Say his name, and tell us what you miss.
Scallop Corn
My mom would make scalloped corn every #Thanksgiving. After her death, my sisters and I carried on the tradition. This dish brings all of the memories of my Grandma, and a small Midwest farming town to my mouth. It is warm, creamy, sugary and full of freshness. I adapted the recipe from my mom's, which was missing the fine details, such as measurements of the ingredients.
Cream Style Corn
In place of canned cream corn, I make my own. I adapted this recipe from The Gourmet Cookbook.
Molasses Crinkle Cookies
My son's grandpa makes these cookies every year for the holidays. They are the favorite of his grandchildren, and my husband, my son's father. The originating recipe is from Betty Crocker.
