Losing a family matriarch or patriarch causes multifaceted grief.
My uncle, my mother’s younger brother, recently left earth for his eternal home. His health took a quick downturn, and he was gone in a couple of days. His family and my extended family are now left to grieve his absence and figure out how we will keep the larger family together, as he was our glue. Losing him is multifaceted grief.
My mother’s siblings are my connection to my mother, who departed this earth thirty years earlier. My mother has two older sisters. Her sister, five years her senior, also has passed.
My mother and her brother were two years apart. After her death, my uncle took on the role of matriarch for our family, filling in for my mother. He drove through the mid-west to attend our major family events. He kept the tradition of big family gatherings centered around a smorgasbord of comforting home-cooked food, and my aunt facilitated after dinner competitive games, that make the shyest person show their hidden personality. I learned from these traditions, that eating and cooking together is a foundation for family bonding, and hence, a prescription for the soul.
My mother's family taught me that eating and cooking together is a foundation for family bonding, and hence, a prescription for the soul.
As I aged, I realized I needed a connection to my mother’s family. The more lonely I became in my life, the more I craved their unconditional love and emotional connection. Stepping into their embrace was like walking into my childhood home, swarming me with the warmth of my memories. The next time we see each other, we pick up where we left off.
My daughter has told me she needs these connections. There was immediate bond to second cousins, her great aunt and uncles, and my cousins. We live in separate states, so it requires an intention to build these family relationships. My daughter did not grow up with them. I started making it a priority to build these relationships when she was in high school, my son was already out of the house.
After my son died, I met with mental health and spiritual professionals. They told me I need to find that maternal/paternal-like person who could put their arms around me to comfort me. That person was my uncle. And I was so lucky because my uncle’s comfort came as a package, with his wife, my aunt.
My uncle shared stories about my mother and her siblings, and my grandparents. I am so thankful to have those stories. He told me about the silly emotionally charged arguments amongst his siblings. He told me about his regrets and faults. He created an environment where there were equal standing and respect, so we could openly share our points of view and have deep conversations, regardless of generation or place in the family hierarchy. He did not demand respect just by being. He sincerely earned his respect by creating a genuine relationship with each person in the extended family, regardless of age.
Respect is not based on hierarchical position within the family structure, but by creating a genuine relationship with the family members.
Having gone through trauma, I am more in-tune with my mental health. I need those people in my life I can talk to about my emotions and struggles and they share about theirs with me. I need people who are willing to talk about the taboo, beyond the superficial. I need people in my life who I can go beyond sharing what you would put in a holiday letter.
Creating and living in a family environment where you can talk about real-life and taboo subjects is essential for your mental health.
My daughter is so insightful. She told me early on that one of the reason’s she needs my mother’s family is that they talk about real life. This is so important for one’s mental health. I also find this in my loss survivor support group. I have learned from them to stand up for myself and to make my mental health a priority, and tell it like is. I need those two and a half hours each week, so when someone asks me, “How are you?”, I can tell the truth, that I am not fine. I am dying inside. There is a popular podcast titled, “Terrible, Thank You For Asking.” Its purpose of telling real-life stories brings the subjects and emotions to the forefront to remove the awkwardness of talking about human feelings and struggles. It brings these subjects into normal conversation. Give it a listen.
I also learned a therapist is essential, just like having a primary care provider. I am not ashamed I see a therapist. Society should accept and encourage having a therapist, beginning at a young age, like seeing a pediatrician. We all need to work to remove the negative stigma and discrimination that comes with behavioral health.
Right before my uncle left this earth, I was able to get a message to him to tell him what he has meant to my family and me. I also gave him a message to deliver to my son. I miss my uncle, but I know he is taking care of my son for me, and that brings me some comfort.
I hope putting my thoughts and stories down on paper will be read by my loved ones in their afterlife. Believing that helps me get through my remaining life, without them with me, on this earth.
Tell me about your family culture and how it does or does not bring remedies to your soul by leaving a comment, in the "leave a comment" section. Scroll a little further down and you will find the section.
Each of his stories comes from memories; mine, his family, and his friends. I now realize there will never be enough photos and videos of him. These are the ones I am sharing with you, that go along with the written stories.
Choreographed dance for the camp non-bunk staff to perform at the end of season performance, August 2016
“I will never forget my friend’s fantastic dancing, everyone would compare him to Justin Timberlake and honestly, he deserves that comparison! Dancing with the non-bunk staff was one of my favorite nights because I saw him “break it down” with all of my campers on stage; I loved how involved he was, he was so excited to participate, and that makes my heart melt to this day.”
A few second excerpt of camp counselors practicing a choreographed dance routine for an end of season show at Camp Poyntelle Lewis Village, Summer 2016.
Three guys, lost, in the back woods of PA on a road trip, passing time by singing to his Disney playlist.
Singing his anthem, "Let It Go" with his camp co-workers at a local bar, on a free night away from the kids at Camp Poyntelle Lewis Village, in Poyntelle PA. They were the only patrons that evening.
