My son did not share the most personal things with his friends, regardless of how close they were. What they did not know that he was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) /attention deficit disorder (ADD) in the second grade. ADD is a learning obstacle, and teachers are not educated or equipped to help children and young adults with this disability.
There are a few he confided in about his disability. One recently connected with me who shared she also has the same learning disability and that people with ADHD/ADD are commonly stereotyped as being stupid. Many are smart and with the right educational support, and medication obtain post-graduate education and contribute to society. (e.g., will.i.am, performer, producer and award-winning founder of the Black Eyed Peas; Justin Timberlake, Grammy-winning singer; Will Smith, actor, and singer; Sir Richard Branson, Virgin Founder, and adventurer, John F. Kennedy; The 35th President Of The United States; Albert Einstein, Theoretical Physicist).
Because of his disability, my son did not make it through college, but most think it was for financial reasons. After a while he shied away from people, so he did not have to explain what he was doing now.
His academic skills were in his writing. He was in tune with his emotions and that allowed him to convey thoughts and feelings into words. He was good at math and tutored AP calculus in high school. In college, he helped his friends with math and sometimes acted like it was hard for him too, so they would not be discouraged. Underneath they knew he was being nice, but never let on.
Academics is about showing what you learn in a prescribed delivery setting with many deadlines, where even the people without a learning disability struggle to be organized and keep the pace to meet the continual requirements. Now think about the obstacles for someone with a learning disability who struggles with attention and organization.
The law (Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973) requires accommodations, but it falls to the student to stand up for their rights and follow-through. Educational institutions think if they provide you a quiet room to take a test, they have met the accommodations, but first, you have to bring attention to yourself and ask for it. What young adult is going to do that amongst their peers?
It is hard for me to come to grips that my son has died and it is hard for his friends too. It has taken time for his friends to reach out to us. What is gold from their correspondence is they tell me things about my son. They can be little memories of him or full-out stories. Size does not matter because each is valuable.
One of his friends is from Turkey. He is going to school in the US. His friend shared with me that my son helped him adapt to the US, brought him into the broader friend group and taught him the essential things about living in the mid-west. Essentials such as learning about the National Hockey League (NHL) and successfully turned him into an MN Wild fan. My son taught him about the camaraderie of watching professionals sports together and the fundamental rules of baseball, and American football. And, if you know anything about my son, he taught his friend how to dance.
They would have deep conversations about cultural differences, girls, and friendships. He made him feel welcome and less homesick.
Between short messages back and forth, my son’s friend shared, “I have to tell you a story, your son saved my life, and the lives of three others.”
They went to college in Montana, where it snows a lot. Montana winters can be an adjustment for students coming from warming climates where this is their first exposure to winter.
Growing up in cold climates you learn the fundamentals of winter safety such as how to drive in snowy conditions, when not to drive on the roads, to wear the right winter clothing if your going out in the elements, and never to leave your car if you are stranded out in the middle of nowhere.
This is where the story begins, exchange students, from warm climates, experiencing the elements of a Montana winter. This story says so much about my son, and how great of a person he is.
“It was the sophomore year at Montana State University, in the middle of the winter semester. A late evening on the weekend, four of us headed in a car to Hyalite Canyon Recreational Area.”
Hyalite is a state park located 15 miles south of Bozeman off of South 19th Avenue. The City of Bozeman and park service now plow the infamous road, so park goers have access year round.
The way to the park has a history of capturing motorized vehicles in its snow banks and ruts. I remember my son talking about Hyalite; it was a common gathering place for college students who love the outdoors. It is where he went ice climbing.
“We had been drinking and were not prepared for the elements. It was snowing, so visibility was low, and it was cold. Outside of town, the car sped off the road into a ditch, where it was stuck. Two of us decided to walk to town, and two stayed with the car. Cell phone reception was low, our phones would die from the cold. It was dark, no-one was on the roads, and we did not know where we were.”
“I called your son, and he and a couple of others got in his 4Runner and set out to look for us. When I came across a road sign, I would text it to him. They were not cross streets, just signs. Eventually, our phone batteries died, and we were out there all alone in the dark night.”
“None of us were dressed to be outside, I wore everyday shoes, jeans, a sweatshirt, and a coat. I had stepped off into a deep pile of snow trying to get closer to read the road signs to convey them to your son. My extremities got wet, and I was experiencing hypothermia.
Your son drove around for three hours until he found us. He was so concerned about our safety and was relieved when he saw us. He wrapped us in blankets in the car, found the two others still in our car, and got us back to the dorms.
We did not want to call the police because we had been drinking, and we were all underage. Being from a warm climate country, I was naive about the winter conditions. Your son taught me a lot and saved my life. He is an essential person in my life and for all of us who lived on the 6th floor of our dorm. We have exceptional memories with him.
I am still in Montana, I am going to graduate school. I think of him often and of you. He loved Montana and wanted to get back here.”
If you know of this story, add to it by submitting a comment. If you knew my son, tell me how, and anything and everything about him. You can contact me through the Contact page.
Goodin, Kate. “Famous People with ADHD.” Parenting, 7 Aug. 2014,
<www.parenting.com/gallery/famous-people-with-add-or-adhd>, viewed March 2019
“Hyalite Canyon Recreation Area.” Montana, 16 Mar. 2019, <www.visitmt.com/listings/general/recreation-area/hyalite-canyon-recreation-area.html>
Josephson, Joe. “Hyalite Canyon.” Climbing Magazine, 3 Jan. 2012, www.climbing.com/news/hyalite-canyon/, viewed March 2019
Sonny, Julian. “The 10 Most Successful People With ADHD.” Elite Daily, Elite Daily, 17 Dec. 2018, <www.elitedaily.com/money/10-successful-people-adhd>, viewed March 2019
Team, Understood. “Celebrity Spotlight: Why Will.i.am Says ADHD Fuels His Creativity.” Understood.org, 2017, <www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/personal-stories/famous-people/celebrity-spotlight-why-william-says-adhd-fuels-his-creativity?gclid=CjwKCAjwvbLkBRBbEiwAChbckVV12RvY0mRV9EK9t_p_vzhsVUcyUfSVs2I0PBC07bBIzXliizlkNBoCjbYQAvD_BwE>, viewed March 2019
