You are here. It was not your choice, but you are in the ripple. It was not theirs either: your loved one, friend, co-worker, neighbor, class-mate died from a mental illness.
Their minds took over their brain, turned on them, entered a tunnel they could not get out of, and all they wanted to do was end the mental pain. It did not matter how much we loved them, the bright future they had, the goals they set for themselves, the plans they were making. Faith and hope would not prevail.
- A suicide occurs every 11.1 minutes in the United States (suicidology.org)
- One in five Americans lives with a mental illness (NAMI.org)
The death of someone who dies by suicide not only impacts the immediate family or their closest inner circle, it also affects their community. They leave the community to deal with gut-wrenching emotions, questions, and brutal devastation. There is no healing from this complicated loss, but rather over time, survivors learn to cope with the loss. There is an empty hole that resides in the soul of everyone impacted.
So you are here,
- You lost someone close to suicide;
- You are supporting someone who lost someone to suicide;
- Your extended family, community, workplace, school is affected.
For each death by suicide, 147 people are personally affected. This is 6.9 million people annually. Forty to fifty percent of the population has been exposed to suicide in their lifetime (suicidology.org).
For every death by suicide, at a minimum, six people are devastated (suicide loss survivors). One out 62 Americans in 2017 is a loss survivor (suicidology.org).
These numbers are personal to me because I am a loss survivor. I lost the perfect person, my son, in 2018.
The Ripple Effect
This impact of suicide is called the ripple effect, and there is a high probability you are in that ripple.
There is a high probability you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health condition.
One in five Americans lives with a mental illness
There is no healing from suicide loss. I have seen from others further along in their grief, years past the death of their loved one, that they go on living, but now is the time for the community, friends, and extended family to be an active support system.
- Acknowledge loss survivors will never be the same, nor want to, but do want to be happy again and live life taking their loved one along with them.
- Acknowledge that no person’s social or economic status or family upbringing precludes them from mental illness;
- Many sufferers do not share their mental pain outwardly, and those close to the suffering may not have any idea they are contemplating suicide, including mental health professionals;
- You can help the loss survivors by being there for them and not waiting to be asked or told what they need;
- Advocate reducing discrimination of those with a mental illness;
- Openly talk about mental health to reduce the negative stigma;
- Raise funds to provide community education and resources for those fighting for new legislation on mental health initiatives.
You can support your own family, mine, and others by walking to raise funds for grassroots programs and research to prevent suicide and help those with a mental illness.
There are many national and community-based non-profits. I have chosen the NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, who works with communities and legislators, advocating for those with mental illness to remove barriers and end the negative stigma. You can find a local walk on their website, or you can walk with us and donate to team Willpower here. We accept donations even if you do not walk and you do not need to give to walk.
Being suicidal is not a blip. The contributors to the podcast I listened to shared, suicidal thoughts are a constant in the back of their minds.
I found a podcast episode on the topic of suicide. It is a raw, truthful episode of people who have been suicidal, sharing their stories of what it is like to live with this state of mind, and what has helped them to keep living. They shared, being suicidal is not a blip. They always have these thoughts in the back of their mind. They were just fortunate to find a will to live, to get through that moment of action, to stay alive.
I listened to the podcast because I wanted to walk in my son's shoes to understand what he was experiencing and feeling because of his illness.
So, how do some make it through that moment? I became aware of mental illness symptoms and what makes someone suicidal after my son died. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to help my son. I have tremendous guilt associated with not knowing his mental state. I was not there to help him through it. Yet, I want to walk in his shoes to understand what he was experiencing and feeling with his illness. None us knew he was suicidal. He consoled others who were struggling through life, but he never shared his state of mind.
As hard as it is to listen to, I felt more connected to my son and perhaps he knows I understand a little more and I do not judge him.
That is why I sought this podcast out. With my computer I hid in the back room, cleaning, away from my husband. I already exposed his once to a live version of an episode from the podcast. Once was enough for him. He tries to make everything better, and listening would not change the outcome.
As I am listening, tears streamed down my face and sunk to the floor. I could not stop listening though, because I wanted to know what it was like for him and why he kept this secret from all of us. I wondered if he knew he was suicidal or was it heightened by the use drugs.
I took what I heard and related it back to conversations and events my husband and I had with our son. I continually replayed his life and drew connections. As hard as it is to listen to, I felt more connected to my son and perhaps he knows I understand a little more and I do not judge him.
He is Not Alone - My son's life is more than his death. It is just how he died. But many are dying, and diagnosis of a mental health condition is not a prerequisite.
You see, my son’s life is more than his death. It is just how he died. But many are dying, and diagnosis of a mental health condition is not a prerequisite.
The air date of the podcast episode was September 2018 shortly after the CDC released the latest statistics on suicide rates in the US. The rates increased in every state but one, ranging between 6% and 58%. Twenty-five states had suicide rates increase of over 30% between 1999 and 2016. According to the CDC, it is a large and growing health problem. It is the 10th leading cause of death in the US and the second leading cause of death for people 10 to 34 years of age.
You Can #BeThe1To Save a Life - Prevent suicide from happening by walking in the shoes of someone who may be like you and learn there is hope. Learn how you can help someone struggling.
This is why I encourage you to listen to this podcast, “Terrible Thanks for Asking,” episode 49, “What do you Say about Suicide.”
- You may be with someone who is struggling and you will learn how to save a life.
- You may be struggling yourself. By listening, you will know you are not alone, and there is potential for getting better.
They reference BeThe1to.com, five steps to help someone through a crisis. In case you do not listen to the podcast, I am sharing the hosts and contributors’ thoughts that resonated with me about each step. The contributors’ emotional stories leave you to tears but give you hope. It will require strength to make it better for yourself and for others.
If you are a male, you really need to listen or continue reading. Something is not in your favor resulting in higher death rates.
After reflecting on the stories as I lay awake at 3:00 am (a common nightly event these days), I noticed all of the contributors to the podcast episode are women except one male. Why do males not confide intimate things about themselves? This is a problem. According to the CDC, more males die from suicide; without a known mental health condition, 84% were males, with a mental health condition 69%, were males.
If you are a male, you really need to listen or continue reading this post.
BeThe1To and this podcast have structured stories of hope and recovery summarized into 5 helpful steps to get through a crisis, to live another day, to live a mental well life.
The 5 step information comes from BeThe1To resource kit.
Ask the Tough Question
When somebody you know is in emotional pain, ask them directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”
Just ask; bring it up; talk about it up. Mentioning suicide is not a trigger but opens up the door for a conversation without judgment. Listen and try to understand. Tell them, “There is no shame asking for help.” Create a shame-free space. Accept them as they are and where they are.
Keep Them Safe
Is your friend or loved one thinking about suicide?
Ask if they’ve thought about how they would do it and separate them from anything they could use to hurt themselves.
Do they have an action? Put distance between the plan and the actions. Check in on them at the right time. For those who did succeed, the sick part got lucky and got what it wanted.
Be There for Them
Be the person willing to sit with them and not run from their pain. The stakes are high to be there to help a person who is struggling with their mental health.
Really be there for them, and listen. You do not need to solve it. Do not give your friend or loved one a to-do list to get over it. Tell them that you care. You can get past this.
Tell them, It does not define you, “You are more significant than this. You are so much more than how you are feeling right now. The pain is not permanent. This is not stronger than you are.”
Help Them Connect
Find the support that creates a safety net. De-stigmatize the getting better journey. Be with people who will talk you into living. Connect them with those who can help to live a mentally healthy life.
Help your loved one or friend connect to a support system, whether it’s 800-273- TALK(8255), family, friends, clergy, coaches, co-workers or therapists, so they have a network to reach out to for help.
Follow Up
Check in with the person you care about regularly.
Making contact with a friend in the days and weeks after a crisis can make a difference in keeping them alive.
Suicide thoughts are not just a one-time. It is not a thing that you get over. Let them know it is okay to be vulnerable and that they can be sad. Just be present. Give them a reason not to die to get through the moment when they are ready to take action.
Talk About It
After listening, you may be moved and perhaps drained. But talking about it does help come to grips that mental health struggles are real to us. It may help you digest what people are going through and how to survive.
My therapist also shared another useful resource, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They provide a wealth of easy reading resource guides on mental illness, ways you can get involved, where to get help, and how to live mentally healthy.
References
“How The 5 Steps Can Help Someone Who Is Suicidal.” #BeThe1To, <www.bethe1to.com/bethe1to-steps-evidence/>.
Mcinery, Nora. “Terrible, Thanks for Asking®.” APM Podcasts, Infinite Guest, 2 Apr. 2019, <www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/>.
NAMI – <https://www.nami.org/#>
“Preventing Suicide |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 29 Sept. 2018, <www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/fastfact.html>.
“Suicide Rates Rising across the U.S. | CDC Online Newsroom | CDC.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 7 June 2018, <www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2018/p0607-suicide-prevention.html>.
Dr. Christine Moutier, M.D., American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) Chief Medical Officer published her thoughts on how to reduce the risk of suicide. They are foundational and actionable: Research, education, supportive culture, and intervention.
Changes to Reduce the Risk of Suicide
One of my son’s favorite singer/songwriters is John Mayer. John Mayer has a song titled, “Waiting On the World to Change” (2006). In August, six months after my son died from suicide, I wrote an article that I published on a local news platform about the things I wish to reduce the risk of suicide. My dreams come with simplistic emotion, but they align with those actions that Dr. Moutier methodically articulated, plus a few more.
Research, Education, Supportive Culture, Intervention, Plus a Few More
Increase mental health education in all channels that interact with children and young adults. Schools, teachers, and counselors include suicide prevention in their curriculum. Introduce the curriculum early on, so talking about mental health and mental disabilities (including ADD/ADHD) is normal. Treat children who ask for help courageous; consider those that do so as mighty. They need to proactively follow up and follow through with students on a 504 disability plan, even if their struggles are not visible. They need to adequately staff, so ADD/ADHD students have an advocate; helping those with ADD/ADHD to be successful, could save a life.
Curriculum for children, teens, and young adults should include the warning signs of someone struggling with their mental health and how to ask for help. Require it no different than sex education or substance abuse. Use the school system as an outreach to teach parents about the warning signs, statistics, and correlations between mental illness, mental disabilities, and suicide.
Stop the glamorization of psychedelics. My son and his friends came from an excellent high school, and most of them completed secondary education; yet, as adults, they take marijuana. Schools taught children about the adverse effects of marijuana. Continue this teaching throughout high school, college, and by medical professionals. Dr. Jennifer Ashton, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent (Twitter @DrJAshton), recently spoke on the morning news, about a spike in marijuana use by college age, young adults, the highest use in three decades. The increase in marijuana use is happening, and has adverse effects, even if the user says it is just “social.”
Adult celebrities stop glamorizing the use of psychedelics, including non-medicinal marijuana.
Create a supportive culture for our children. Schools, parents, and society teach and demonstrate inclusion, respect, caring, compassion and patience.
Bullying needs to end. Realize that it comes in many forms, beyond the outwardly physical abuse and name calling; exclusion is a form of bullying too. What the schools are currently doing is not enough. Children and teens are suffering in silence, and it stays with them forever.
Educate to reduce the negative stigma of mental illness. Create on-going communication campaigns using avenues and celebrities that reach the most susceptible age groups, and that having a mental illness or mental disability is normal and okay and seeking treatment is no different than seeking treatment for any other disease.
Expand clinical intervention programs and outreach. 
Behavioral health and medical providers dig deeper and build caring relationships with their patients, getting their patients to be honest with them, and trust them. Providers follow-up with their patients, so they continue to seek care, even if it is helping to find care with someone else that is a better fit. Do not let them fall through the cracks.
Make provider more available; once every three weeks is not enough. Coordinate care between therapists, psychiatrists, and facilities, even if they are not within the same contracted provider group. Providers take every fleeting thought of suicide seriously, even if their patient says they do not have a plan.
Medical Research
– There needs to be more medical research to identify when someone is at risk or has a mental illness that correlates to suicide.
Unfortunately, most likely you know someone affected by suicide. We all need to work to reduce the trajectory in the growth of suicide rates.
You have seen these statistics on the news, but each time I see these, I am taken aback. These are US suicide statistics from SAVE.org that I think are relevant.
- Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
- Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
- There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes. (CDC)
- Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
- Suicide takes the lives of over 44,965 Americans every year. (CDC)
- The highest suicide rates in the US are among Whites, American Indians, and Alaska Natives.
- Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
- 80% -90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TAPS study)
- An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors. (AAS)
- There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
I write now for many reasons. One of them to create a connections to others who are affected by suicide, to honor my son, to advocate for change so mothers do not have to suffer the grief I do by losing a child to suicide.
Now, I write as grief therapy for myself, and to articulate what it is like to be a parent of a child who died by suicide. I write to connect with those who do not know how to put into words, what they too are feeling, going through such a loss. I also want to share what the new me is going through, so others can understand. So lastly, I write to honor my son and share his story. He was such a beautiful person, and he deserves to have his story told.
Share with me your wishes to reduce the risk of suicide by posting them in the comments section.
REFERENCES
Moutier, Christine. “What We Mean When We Say #StopSuicide.” AFSP, 7 Sept. 2018, Retrieved from <afsp.org/what-we-mean-when-we-say-stopsuicide/>. Viewed February 4, 2019
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE.org) 2018, Suicide Statistics and Facts, viewed 21 August 2018. Retrieved from <https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/>.
I had this great person, and I failed to protect him. I failed to help him feel good about himself, to help him be successful at whatever he wanted to do; to feel supported. I failed to provide a safe place for him to share his suffering. I failed to see the signs.
I have been attending a suicide survivor support group for nearly four months. During the sessions, I connect with fellow survivors who are living through the grief after a loved one took their own life.
In a recent session, families were asked to share their loved one’s interactions with the behavioral health care system.
We learned that all of our loved ones had some degree of treatment or interaction with the system, including inpatient care. You know their ending; the treatment was unsuccessful.
Their experiences varied, but we were able to draw some conclusions:
- There aren’t enough behavioral health resources.
- Our loved ones were not appropriately diagnosed.
- When loved ones did seek care, providers were unable to emotionally make a connection with them to take treatment seriously.
- Our adult loved ones did not take action to seek or continue treatment on their own accord, after in-patient care. There was no provider follow-up to continue engagement.
- Providers were unable to find the right medication and dosage before time ran out.
- Therapists, psychiatrists, and facility doctors did not provide coordinated care.
- Our loved ones were not taught how to seek treatment during a crisis.
- They were not taught that it is normal and healthy to seek treatment.
- For those over 18, patient privacy laws hinder the family’s ability to interact with their loved one’s health care providers (while still maintaining some privacy).
- None of our loved ones voluntarily dialed 911, called a suicide hotline, or called their therapist.
- And of course, navigating the healthcare system is just foreign and cumbersome for young adults.
I had this great person, and I failed to protect him. I failed to help him feel good about himself, to help him be successful at whatever he wanted to do; to feel supported. I failed to provide a safe place for him to share his suffering. I failed to see the signs. Of the signs I did see, I failed to understand the seriousness of what they meant.
I have written about his before, but it weighs on me every second of every day.
There is a strong link between depressive disorders and suicide.
There was a mental health professional on the radio today who was bringing awareness to suicide prevention. He said there is a strong link between depressive disorders and suicide. He said that depression can come from a chemical imbalance between serotonin [ser’ a toe’ nin] and norepinephrine [nor-eh’-pin-ef’-rin]. That did not mean much to me, so I did some research. My master’s degree should be good for something; having taught me how to research and to write (though professionals may find the latter debatable). I am not a medical professional, so you may want to do your own research, but this what I found:
“Serotonin [ser’ a toe’ nin] is widely known for playing a major part in regulating moods. It has been called the body’s natural “feel-good” chemical because it’s involved in your sense of well-being. However, that’s only true when your serotonin level is within the normal range.” (Salters-Pedneault, Kristalyn P, 2018).
“Norepinephrine [nor-eh’-pin-ef’-rin] is a stress hormone. It’s mainly stored in the neurons (nerve cells) of the sympathetic nervous system with small amounts also stored in the adrenal tissue, which lay on top of your kidneys. As a hormone, norepinephrine is released into the bloodstream by the adrenal glands and works alongside adrenaline (also known as epinephrine) to give the body sudden energy in times of stress, known as the “fight or flight” response. As a neurotransmitter, norepinephrine passes nerve impulses from one neuron to the next.” (Purse, Marica, 2018).
“An imbalance of these two chemicals can lead to the person not understanding the options available to help them relieve their suffering. Many people who suffer from depression report feeling as though they’ve lost the ability to imagine a happy future, or remember a happy past. Often they don’t realize they’re suffering from a treatable illness, and seeking help may not even enter their mind. Emotions and even physical pain can become unbearable. They don’t want to die, but it’s the only way they feel their pain will end. It is a truly irrational choice. Suffering from depression is involuntary, just like cancer or diabetes, but it is a treatable illness that can be managed.” (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, SAVE.org 2018).
There needs to be more research on mental illness and prevention needs to start in the pediatrician's office. There needs to be more education for parents and teachers.
There needs to be more research…on how to detect this chemical imbalance in the primary care doctor’s office. When you go in for your annual physical, medical providers should be able to detect this imbalance through a simple blood draw.
It should start when our children are in the pediatrician’s office. Parents and educators who interact with diagnosed children should take seriously all mental health diagnosis.
Parents and educators should be required to know the signs of suicidal ideation. Schools should be staffed with mental health advocates.
My son was smoking and ingesting street marijuana. We know he ingested the “day of.” I have asked my psychiatrist to help me understand what impact marijuana has on the body. My psychiatrist, along with every therapist I have talked to, said it is a drug, and it alters the brain. Street marijuana typically contains synthetics which adds an additional variable.
My question is; does marijuana also contribute to the imbalance in the brain?
My question is; does marijuana also contribute to the imbalance in the brain?
My son was a scholar and sought out information. I came across material on marijuana that was in the viewing history of his computer. These videos were neutral towards marijuana, but for obvious reasons, I grasped onto specific findings. I have summarized what I think is relevant to my son’s situation.
“Ingesting marijuana binds to receptors in your brain, making them continually fire and causes your imagination, thoughts, and perceptions to magnify, making every thought and feeling, feel like a significant one. Smoking marijuana has effects within minutes and lasts for two to three hours. Heating up marijuana in oil and digesting it delays the effect as it first needs to metastasize through the liver. It can last four to eight hours and adds an additional compound not found in smoking that increases its potency and lasts longer. It takes one to two hours to feel the effects and it is harder to control the intensity of the high, ending up higher than you intended to.” (AsapSCIENCE, 2017).
I read the comments posted on this video, which included people discussing their own experiences. Some users said, “When they ingested marijuana, they experienced hallucinations.” I think the experience can vary by the person based on their brain composition, how much they ingest, and other compounds found in the drug.
A second video my son watched said this about marijuana and mental health:
“There is moderate evidence, for people with mental health issues, it worsens symptoms, cognitive performance, and suicidal ideation and attempts.” (Healthcare Triage, 2017).
Some say marijuana is just for social gatherings or “fun”. It may have started that way for my son, but according to the medical community, if you have a mental illness (e.g. depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD) it hasnegative consequences.
At my request, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) gave me resources on marijuana and suicide. One of the medical journals reported on a study which found that “early and frequent use of cannabis is associated with the major depressive disorder (MDD) as well as suicidal thoughts and behaviors, a large twin study suggests.” (Yasgur Swift Batya, 2017).
- Marijuana worsens the ability to conduct executive functioning (to organize cognitive processes like planning ahead, prioritizing, stopping and starting activities, shifting from one activity to another and monitoring one’s own behavior).
- It also hampers the working memory (the ability to store and manage information for a short period of time).
- Frequent use of marijuana can also lead to not caring about things that are important, such as school or work. Kids and young adults using marijuana are less likely to keep up with their medication.
- Marijuana for some can increase anxiety, including paranoia. Street marijuana is usually stronger than medical marijuana as it may contain other chemicals.
- People with attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) are 2.5 times more likely to develop a substance abuse problem. (understood.org 2018)
Some say marijuana is just for social gatherings or “fun”. It may have started that way for my son, but according to the medical community, if you have a mental illness (e.g. depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD) it has negative consequences.
I found these statistics on SAVE.org 2018 about suicide:
- Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
- Every day, approximately 105 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
- There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes. (CDC)
- Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
- Suicide takes the lives of over 38,000 Americans every year. (CDC)
- Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
- 80% – 90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TAPS study)
- There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
- These statistics have led the medical community to call the cause of death by suicide a “crisis.” I never thought it (suicide in my family) would happen to us. Don’t be afraid to talk. Be there for someone else. Learn the signs. Help remove the stigma.
Share what you think. What has been your experience? Leave a comment at the end of this post.
To honor my son, his sister, father, and I will be walking to raise money for NAMI, Team Willpower! We would be honored if you joined us in whatever way you feel comfortable.
REFERENCES
AsapSCIENCE (2017, March 23). Our Brain on Edible Marijuana, video recording, YouTube, viewed 20 August 2018, <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUhJnKKQDTE>.
Healthcare Triage, What We Know About Pot in 2017 (2017, February 13), video recording, YouTube, viewed 21 August,2018, <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yewlM8CtbQU&t=345s>.
Purse, Marica (updated 2018, May 03). What is Norepinephrine’s Role in Treating Mood Problems?. verywellmind.com 2018, viewed 21 August 2018, Retrieved from <https://www.verywellmind.com/norepinephrine-380039>.
Salters-Pedneault, Kristalyn P, (updated 2018, July 9). How Serotonin Regulates Different Body Functions, verywellmind.com 2018, Retrieved from <https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-serotonin-425327>.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE.org) 2018, Depression, viewed 21 August,2018, Retrieved from <https://save.org/about-suicide/mental-illness-and-suicide/depression/>.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE.org) 2018, Suicide Statistics and Facts, viewed 21 August 2018. Retrieved from <https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/>.
The Understood Team, understood.org 2018, Experts Weigh In: Marijuana and ADHD, viewed 21 August 2018. Retrieved from <https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/marijuana-and-adhd>.
Yasgur Swift Batya, MA, LSW, (July 31, 2017). Heavy Cannabis Use Associated With Depression, Suicidality. Medscape 2017, viewed 21 August 2018. Retrieved from < https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/883614?src=soc_fb_share>.
