Five months ago, the life I knew left me, along with my son.  He was the most beautiful, infectious, consistently warm, kind, pleasant person, and he was a genuine friend who cared.  He should not have died.  It was a bad day, things fell through, and he was alone.  No one would have thought this was possible.  Later we learned he was self-medicating with marijuana.  Reflecting, we know there were signs, individually noticed.  We just did not put them together.  

I now write a blog to express what I am feeling and experiencing on this new journey.  Maybe what I put down into words will resonate with other parents who have lost a child to suicide.

My therapist gives me assignments, ‘so to speak.’  She wants me to do something for myself each week.  She gave examples like getting a massage, going to yoga, having lunch with a friend.  My good thing each week is to attend a suicide survivors support group. 

 A brochure came in the mail shortly after my son died.  I wondered how did the sender know; did this come from a friend, the funeral home, the police?  I put the envelope away in a box for over two months.  Then one day I pulled it out.  My current therapist was no longer meeting my needs, and I was looking for someone who dealt with suicide.  The support organization included referral services.  It turned out, the referral was not a good fit for me, but through it, I learned of other services–ongoing services that connected me with others just like myself.

  At first, I was not ready to hear other people’s stories.  They were so vivid and traumatic.  I soon got past that and realized I needed this group because they were like me.  No one really understands unless one is in the same situation.  I now go almost every week as a part of my therapy.  People are in different stages of their journey.  For some it has been years since they lost their loved one, others less than a year.  Listening and sharing with others regardless of their stage is helpful. 

 I learned from them I am not crazy for feeling the way I do at the different stages.  They have given me permission to say, “no” to certain obligations that really do not matter in the big picture, because I just am not ready.  They ask, “How was your week?” and, “Do you have any milestones or events coming up that may be difficult?”