The Unhappy Holidays and Memories of Holidays Past
The holidays are a time for the family to gather and enjoy each other, engaging in traditions. Social media streams pictures of gatherings, perfect family holiday photos, and pictures of smiling people doing fun things. If this is your lens, you may tend to think others will have the same perspective, “If holidays are happy times for me, they must be for everyone else.”
I ask that you put yourselves in other’s shoes and become aware that holidays can be a difficult time for those who are isolated, feeling anxious, have depression, or are grieving.
I now join others who will have an unhappy holiday. My sister asked me if there was anything I wanted to do to “celebrate the season” this year, the first without my son.
When writing this blog entry, I realized this November, is the thirty year anniversary of my mother’s death, my thirty year wedding anniversary, the one year anniversary of my children’s favorite great aunt’s death, (who also died on the same day and month as my mother), and the first Thanksgiving without my son.
My son filled every space he entered with his beautiful face and dry humor that caught you off-guard. He was so engaging with his warm personality. He loved everything that made the holiday sparkle, especially being with his friends, who all came together back home over the holidays. He was planning to move into a house with his friends. He would have asked me for left-over holiday decorations to decorate their house. His to-be roommate had a turntable. He once asked if he could borrow from our vinyl collection when they move in together. He loved holiday music, his favorite singer being Michael Bublé. I too love holiday music and have more holiday vinyl than any other genre. He would have asked to borrow some.
I come from a family where holidays and celebrations include the tradition of preparing and eating good food. Food is not just the enjoyment of all of the sense, but it is also a way for us to be together, participating in the happiness of these preparations. My son loved to eat good food, and he recognized and appreciated when he had it. It was so fun to see him enjoy the gourmet meals I meticulously planned out and prepared which usually include delicacies only offered on special occasions.
His holiday favorites were my Aunt LaDonna’s recipe for scalloped corn (a Thanksgiving tradition), shrimp cocktail recipe from Mustard’s Grill, ribeye roast with wasabi cream sauce from epicourious.com and his grandpa’s molasses crinkle cookies. I have enclosed the links to them, but keep in mind, I usually use a base recipe and then modify to my taste.
Scalloped corn was absent from the Thanksgiving table this year because we forwent the whole event. But my son may have enjoyed it. I realized he is in the same place now as my Aunt Lavone, my mom, and grandma, all excellent cooks.
Our other traditions at family holiday gatherings included playing card games, video games, and the battle of ping-pong which he was the champion. He became skilled at the game after a year in college, where they played in his college dorm. My son played football for a time in high-school. This skill was useful during the annual Thanksgiving day game, now dedicated to him by his cousins.
He would dress up for church and family gatherings in classy attire that showed off his good looks which when he smiled, you could not resist going in for a hug.
He appreciated the hours his sister, and I spent on decorating the house interior and two fresh evergreen trees, one for each living space, making sure he commented on how beautiful it looked. I decorate the largest with Waterford ornaments. The second with ornaments collected on family trips and those passed down from ancestors. He was in charge of putting the electric train his grandfather gave him, around the tree in the living room.
We all would gather to decorate the exterior of our cape cod style home in a Currier and Ives holiday theme. He and his sister lighting the trees and bushes.
Now, I cannot follow these traditions, as they heighten the emptiness we feel because he is not here.
I sit on conference calls from my home office, where people so joyously share about how they spent Thanksgiving and how they are spending time with their families for the other holidays. Many do not know about my grief. Those that do are not self-aware that my silence in the conversation is because of the pain these holidays bring to me.
Mental health experts say “If holidays were a special time in the past and you try to recreate a time long gone, you are setting yourself up for sadness. Create new memories (NAMI, 2014).”
So for right now, please be patient with us as we try to figure out how to do this and do not expect us to participate in the same traditions we did before. It is also important to recognize my son’s “empty chair” and grieve along with us. Say his name, and tell us what you miss.
Scallop Corn
My mom would make scalloped corn every #Thanksgiving. After her death, my sisters and I carried on the tradition. This dish brings all of the memories of my Grandma, and a small Midwest farming town to my mouth. It is warm, creamy, sugary and full of freshness. I adapted the recipe from my mom's, which was missing the fine details, such as measurements of the ingredients.
Cream Style Corn
In place of canned cream corn, I make my own. I adapted this recipe from The Gourmet Cookbook.
Molasses Crinkle Cookies
My son's grandpa makes these cookies every year for the holidays. They are the favorite of his grandchildren, and my husband, my son's father. The originating recipe is from Betty Crocker.
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