My anger problem is a symptom of something else, my grief from the loss of my son.
I received an invoice for services from a psychiatrist my son say two and a half years ago. At the time, I encouraged him to see a psychiatrist to treat his attention deficit disorder (ADD). He previously was treated by a primary care physician and before that, a pediatrician. He only saw this doctor once. He renewed his prescription, made a subsequent appointment, but never kept it. I know this because my son was under 26 years of age, and he was on the family health insurance. I pay the bills, and the clinic billed him a no-show fee. I talked to him about why he did not keep the appointment. He shared with me the psychiatrist wanted to do a learning disability assessment; he felt she was headed down the wrong track, and insurance would not cover the tests. Really, the psychiatrist did not click with him, so I let it go. At least he was seeing a therapist.
The haunting bill for services from two and a-half years ago.
I know I paid that particular bill two and a half years ago. It is in my health savings account (HSA) billing history. I previously downloaded the payment history for our tax records and that information was archived on my computer.
I called the clinic’s billing department. I explained I was inquiring about the bill for my deceased child. She asked for his birthday and address. This seems like an innocuous question, but my voice quivered as I answered. She then followed up with, “What can I do for you?”
I composed myself, no longer crying, and said in my new angry voice, “Why the fuck are you billing me for services two years old, which I paid, for a person who is no longer alive, for services that did not help, as he died by suicide?”
Her immediate replies were not adequate. She said I did not need to swear, and then went on to blame the insurance company, and directed me to inquire with them.
I deepened my voice, in a shortened tone, and replied, “Unfortunately I am educated on the feelings of losing a loved one to suicide and anger is a familiar feeling; you are a behavioral health clinic, you should be prepared to deal with people like me.” I went on, “You are requesting payment for services that did not prevent his suicide. Your clinic is asking for payment, not the insurance company; therefore, I am calling your clinic, the billing party.”
I then firmly requested she finds a supervisor who was capable of dealing with my inquiry.
I could hear in her voice she was crying when she asked me to wait and then put me on hold.
While waiting, I found my spreadsheet documenting full payment. After a long wait, another person took the call, apologized, said she was sorry for my loss, then told me to disregard the invoice. I thanked her, ended the phone call, and immediately shredded the bill.
I told my loss support group, "I have an anger problem."
A couple of days later, I shared this story with my suicide loss survivor group. I started my account with, “I have an anger problem.” The group reconfirmed my story is not unique, meaning, anger is really grief, and it comes out in uncharacteristic ways such as swearing.
The encounter also includes undertones of other issues for me.
As time passes, my tolerance is less for others who make foot in mouth mistakes. These mistakes are not intentional, some realize once it is out there, others have no idea what they said or did that did not sit well with me. Things like, connotations to stop feeling the way I am feeling, not acknowledging the debilitating cognitive and physical effect grief has, wanting me to be back to the way I was before my son died. Avoidance because they do not know what to say. All of these things are a more significant symptom of our culture where we do not talk about unhappy things. How will society understand grief when no one talks about the reality of it?
As I hear other loss survivor stories, I am gaining an intolerance for the flawed U.S. health care system and health insurance. They need to acknowledge their inadequacies by looking at the growing statistics of those with mental health conditions and the suicide rates, take it seriously, and then listen to those who have accessed it. These institutions and policymakers should pay the same attention to the mental health crisis as they do for solving cancer, diabetes, opioid misuse, heart disease, and the most recent publicized illness of the year.
"I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief, (TheMindsJournal)."
A friend reminded me of this meme I have seen on social media and its relevancy. Two women are sitting side by side on a brick wall, one dressed in white, another in black. The quote is,” I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief, (TheMindsJournal).”
If you read anything about grief and grief symptoms, the list will include anger. I have learned from others who have written about suicide grief, that anger can become a scary comfort. It is easier to fall back to anger than feel the other emotions of guilt, shame, blame, depression, despair, anxiety, immense sadness, loneliness, etc.. There are at least ten other emotional effects I can name. If you are a lost survivor, you likely know the others from experience.
Turn anger into something productive.
I am sorry to the person who landed with my phone call, as she was not responsible for making me a victim of their accounting incompetence. My therapist, if I still saw one, would probably tell me I need to turn that anger into something productive. Right now, in year two, I am too tired to be productive. The fog has partially lifted and replaced with the black reality that my son is not coming back.
The reality is, Year 1 sucked, Year 2 sucks too. I will never get over this. You do not heal from grief, there is no cure. I have learned from others further along in their grief, that with time, you learn to deal with it better. They have learned to change the pain from reactive to proactive, doing something positive for themselves, to advocate, or honor their loved one publicly. I have read stories of loss survivors who go on to do inspirational things like public speaking, starting a non-profit, writing a book, hosting a podcast, running a marathon for a cause.
Personally, I am proud of the accomplishments of new friends who are recent fellow survivors. They do amazing things every day given the circumstances, like celebrating the life events of their child’s friends, write inspirational stories for publication, lead large organizations, teach our children, give back to the community, find the will power and physical stamina to do a headstand on a paddleboard, and find happiness in the small things.
I will try to be positive and recognize my accomplishments, like doing any form of exercise, passing on the weeknight glass of wine, not hibernating in my room all evening, eating a healthy meal, and calling a friend back.
It is likely you are in the ripple effect of suicide; 40-50% of the U.S. population has been exposed to suicide.
It is likely someone close to you will die because everyone will die. Now imagine someone close to you die by suicide. Most people cannot because the thought of it would be too painful.
Here’s the thing: there is a ripple effect of suicide, and there is high probability you are in that ripple but do not acknowledge it. A research-based estimate suggests that for each death by suicide, 147 people are exposed (6.9 million annually) – as many as 40-50% of the population has been exposed to suicide in their lifetime based on 2016 representative sample results. The number of survivors of suicide loss in the U.S. is more than 5.3 million (1 of every 62 Americans in 2017), (suicidology.org).
Take the time to learn about the grief process, for yourself, for someone you support, and not just about suicide loss survivors, but grief in general, because everyone dies. Stop pretending life is only sunshine and roses, or your isolated world will come crashing down on you eventually, and you will not be ready to deal with it.
September 8th through the 14th of 2019 is National Suicide Prevention Week. NAMI.org has published an edited version of this post on their blog as part of their campaign to bring awarness. Thank you NAMI.
National Suicide Prevention Week is the Monday through Sunday surrounding World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s a time to share resources and stories, as well as promote suicide prevention awareness.
Resources
If you are supporting a loss survivor, or if you are part of the ripple, you can find useful resources at these websites:
More Related Blog Posts
Anger Abounds – An emotion that comes with grief
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Even though you will not see your loved one physically, you have the memory of them and how they filled and continue to influence your life. Celebrate that on their birthday.
Birthdays in Heaven
My son will be turning 25 soon. I believe people still age in heaven, at least chronologically. They no longer have a physical body, of course, but I think they still have a bodily form. I imagine they can choose whatever age they want to be for their heavenly body.
I shared with my loss survivor support group that we will be celebrating my son’s birthday with him. We will be physically apart from each other, but if he can sense us, I want him to know we are celebrating his life.
My son will always be a part of me, and he will be for many of you who knew him. I will forever think of him in the present, as that is how he is in my mind. Therefore, we continue to celebrate his birthday.
When you lose an essential person in your life, they are indelible. They are still present to us, in how they shaped us, and our memories of them.
Like most children, when he was young, his birthday was a big deal. When he was in grade school, we hosted parties with his friends and grandparents, mixed in with baseball. He played in a league from age four all through high school, and there were baseball games every week from April through July.
As he got older, celebrating his birthday with his friends was primary, as it should be. In place of playing ball, he went to watch the MN Twins at the new TCF Bank Stadium. My son still made time for us to celebrate with him as a family. Our celebration with him usually focused on a family dinner. His dad would grill, and we would dine alfresco on the patio surrounded by the blooming spring flowers.
He was only food possessive with a few favorites, his birthday cake, cookies and cream ice cream from Sebastian Joes and Dad's grilled turkey burgers.
I always made a cake from scratch, his favorite that became a tradition was banana cake with milk chocolate and peanut butter frosting; recipe also in my blog. He was only food possessive with a few favorites, and this was one of them. He would take the leftovers back with him, to his apartment. If we did not have cake, we would head to our favorite house-made ice cream shop where he would usually order cookies and cream.
I think of my son almost every minute of every day. I miss his voice and his hugs, his humor, and the time together as we stood in the kitchen around the center island, as he shared with me the things he newly discovered from podcasts he listened to, news read, and videos watched. Pop news and talk shows are covering the latest excitement of a movie series my son often talked about.
My son is an avid fan of Marvel. The timing of his birthday since he died has aligned with the release of the Marvel Avenger series. He and my daughter would theorize over the Marvel movie plots, the development of the characters, and their favorite scenes. They had the opportunity to debate about the “Avengers: Infinity War”, before his death.
Marvel released this week the second in a series of the Avenger plot. I will miss seeing my two adult children express their excitement and anticipation about this release.
So now my birthday wishes for my son, that involves you, to honor the things he loved to do on his birthday
When hearing the sound of a baseball connecting with a metal bat, think of him.
When you are in the stands of a major league baseball game with your family or friends, look to the outfield and think of him.
When you go to the opening of a new Marvel movie, think of him.
When you hear a song from any of his music playlists, think of him.
When you are on the dance floor, think of him.
When you are out with a bunch of your friends, think of him.
Lastly, enjoy a piece of chocolate cake or bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, and think of him.
Even though you will not see your loved one physically, you have the memory of them and how they filled and continue to influence your life. Celebrate that on their birthday.
My son will always be a part of my present and future life. I carry him with me, as I live out mine.
When you lose an essential person in your life, they are indelible. They are still present to us, in how they shaped us, and our memories of them. In thinking of them, we may laugh, we may cry from sadness, at times feel like our hearts and minds have been ripped out of our bodies because they left. But, they will always be a part of you. My son will always be a part of me.
Happy 25th Birthday Baby
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Being suicidal is not a blip. The contributors to the podcast I listened to shared, suicidal thoughts are a constant in the back of their minds.
I found a podcast episode on the topic of suicide. It is a raw, truthful episode of people who have been suicidal, sharing their stories of what it is like to live with this state of mind, and what has helped them to keep living. They shared, being suicidal is not a blip. They always have these thoughts in the back of their mind. They were just fortunate to find a will to live, to get through that moment of action, to stay alive.
I listened to the podcast because I wanted to walk in my son's shoes to understand what he was experiencing and feeling because of his illness.
So, how do some make it through that moment? I became aware of mental illness symptoms and what makes someone suicidal after my son died. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to help my son. I have tremendous guilt associated with not knowing his mental state. I was not there to help him through it. Yet, I want to walk in his shoes to understand what he was experiencing and feeling with his illness. None us knew he was suicidal. He consoled others who were struggling through life, but he never shared his state of mind.
As hard as it is to listen to, I felt more connected to my son and perhaps he knows I understand a little more and I do not judge him.
That is why I sought this podcast out. With my computer I hid in the back room, cleaning, away from my husband. I already exposed his once to a live version of an episode from the podcast. Once was enough for him. He tries to make everything better, and listening would not change the outcome.
As I am listening, tears streamed down my face and sunk to the floor. I could not stop listening though, because I wanted to know what it was like for him and why he kept this secret from all of us. I wondered if he knew he was suicidal or was it heightened by the use drugs.
I took what I heard and related it back to conversations and events my husband and I had with our son. I continually replayed his life and drew connections. As hard as it is to listen to, I felt more connected to my son and perhaps he knows I understand a little more and I do not judge him.
He is Not Alone - My son's life is more than his death. It is just how he died. But many are dying, and diagnosis of a mental health condition is not a prerequisite.
You see, my son’s life is more than his death. It is just how he died. But many are dying, and diagnosis of a mental health condition is not a prerequisite.
The air date of the podcast episode was September 2018 shortly after the CDC released the latest statistics on suicide rates in the US. The rates increased in every state but one, ranging between 6% and 58%. Twenty-five states had suicide rates increase of over 30% between 1999 and 2016. According to the CDC, it is a large and growing health problem. It is the 10th leading cause of death in the US and the second leading cause of death for people 10 to 34 years of age.
You Can #BeThe1To Save a Life - Prevent suicide from happening by walking in the shoes of someone who may be like you and learn there is hope. Learn how you can help someone struggling.
This is why I encourage you to listen to this podcast, “Terrible Thanks for Asking,” episode 49, “What do you Say about Suicide.”
- You may be with someone who is struggling and you will learn how to save a life.
- You may be struggling yourself. By listening, you will know you are not alone, and there is potential for getting better.
They reference BeThe1to.com, five steps to help someone through a crisis. In case you do not listen to the podcast, I am sharing the hosts and contributors’ thoughts that resonated with me about each step. The contributors’ emotional stories leave you to tears but give you hope. It will require strength to make it better for yourself and for others.
If you are a male, you really need to listen or continue reading. Something is not in your favor resulting in higher death rates.
After reflecting on the stories as I lay awake at 3:00 am (a common nightly event these days), I noticed all of the contributors to the podcast episode are women except one male. Why do males not confide intimate things about themselves? This is a problem. According to the CDC, more males die from suicide; without a known mental health condition, 84% were males, with a mental health condition 69%, were males.
If you are a male, you really need to listen or continue reading this post.
BeThe1To and this podcast have structured stories of hope and recovery summarized into 5 helpful steps to get through a crisis, to live another day, to live a mental well life.
The 5 step information comes from BeThe1To resource kit.
Ask the Tough Question
When somebody you know is in emotional pain, ask them directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”
Just ask; bring it up; talk about it up. Mentioning suicide is not a trigger but opens up the door for a conversation without judgment. Listen and try to understand. Tell them, “There is no shame asking for help.” Create a shame-free space. Accept them as they are and where they are.
Keep Them Safe
Is your friend or loved one thinking about suicide?
Ask if they’ve thought about how they would do it and separate them from anything they could use to hurt themselves.
Do they have an action? Put distance between the plan and the actions. Check in on them at the right time. For those who did succeed, the sick part got lucky and got what it wanted.
Be There for Them
Be the person willing to sit with them and not run from their pain. The stakes are high to be there to help a person who is struggling with their mental health.
Really be there for them, and listen. You do not need to solve it. Do not give your friend or loved one a to-do list to get over it. Tell them that you care. You can get past this.
Tell them, It does not define you, “You are more significant than this. You are so much more than how you are feeling right now. The pain is not permanent. This is not stronger than you are.”
Help Them Connect
Find the support that creates a safety net. De-stigmatize the getting better journey. Be with people who will talk you into living. Connect them with those who can help to live a mentally healthy life.
Help your loved one or friend connect to a support system, whether it’s 800-273- TALK(8255), family, friends, clergy, coaches, co-workers or therapists, so they have a network to reach out to for help.
Follow Up
Check in with the person you care about regularly.
Making contact with a friend in the days and weeks after a crisis can make a difference in keeping them alive.
Suicide thoughts are not just a one-time. It is not a thing that you get over. Let them know it is okay to be vulnerable and that they can be sad. Just be present. Give them a reason not to die to get through the moment when they are ready to take action.
Talk About It
After listening, you may be moved and perhaps drained. But talking about it does help come to grips that mental health struggles are real to us. It may help you digest what people are going through and how to survive.
My therapist also shared another useful resource, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They provide a wealth of easy reading resource guides on mental illness, ways you can get involved, where to get help, and how to live mentally healthy.
References
“How The 5 Steps Can Help Someone Who Is Suicidal.” #BeThe1To, <www.bethe1to.com/bethe1to-steps-evidence/>.
Mcinery, Nora. “Terrible, Thanks for Asking®.” APM Podcasts, Infinite Guest, 2 Apr. 2019, <www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/>.
NAMI – <https://www.nami.org/#>
“Preventing Suicide |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 29 Sept. 2018, <www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/fastfact.html>.
“Suicide Rates Rising across the U.S. | CDC Online Newsroom | CDC.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 7 June 2018, <www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2018/p0607-suicide-prevention.html>.
I find I can laugh and cry in the same instance and I am okay with this
The audience is thriving for a human connection through storytelling on topics of real life, that not always have a happy ending. I was there to connect with a story like mine, not a happy ending.
Streaming into the theater was an audience of women; about 1 out of every 100 women was a male, all mostly between the ages of 20 and 30 something (based on my visual perception).
My husband kindly was my date. I understand why the audience was mainly women, but why not more in their forties or fifties, the people who are more likely to have gone through a tragic life event.
I met my husband at our seats, he was there before me, because the line for the women’s bathroom was about fifty deep. He told me he had a strange encounter in the men’s bathroom. He had to share it with women walking in while he was at the urinal. Laughing he said, “I had to convince myself that I could use the urinal. The women said they were married, but still, it is hard to pee when someone may be glancing over walking through to the stall.”
The show featured the host of a podcast where guests tell their personal stories of shattering life events, bringing the audience in on their emotional journey of realism. The host was launching a book tour of her newly published book, and this was the start of it.
"Terrible Thanks for Asking" on stage was humanistic storytelling inviting the audience into live of others.
To bring you into the setting, this is the description of the show, posted on the theater’s website,
“ Terrible, Thanks for Asking LIVE is a spectacular, theatrical presentation of the podcast with live music and multimedia storytelling of an unpublished episode. On-stage narration from Nora, audio clips and beautiful, bold visuals bring the audience through the signature Terrible, Thanks for Asking emotional journey….. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you won’t want to miss the human connection.”
Why do people find emotional stories entertaining; perhaps a connection, personal reflection, or appreciation?
The event was sold out. I wondered, why would all of these young people want to be here?
Does it help them experience emotional issues, trauma, and adversity from a safe distance, getting a glimpse into the lives of others sharing their stories? Storytelling is an art that brings the audience into their lives. Humans are social, and this storyteller is effective in connecting with the audience.
Perhaps, they could be dealing with something terrible too, the loss of a close family member, or are suffering from an illness, or someone close to them is suffering (e.g., mental illness, addiction, cancer, heart disease, congenital condition, etc.).
Maybe they lost someone to suicide. After all, it is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 15-34 (third is homicide, and the first is by accident), (Stibich, Mark Ph.D., 2019). An American dies by suicide every 11.69 minutes (afsp.org/StateFacts).
I need to connect with people like me who know what it is like to go through something terrible.
Another theory is the audience is thriving for humanistic storytelling on what really matters in life and to get away from crazy realities that are front and center in the national news.
I was there because I need to connect with people like me, who are also suffering from something catastrophic. The podcast host, Nora McInerny, is a widow and openly talks about her journey.
While her grief and journey are different than mine (she lost a spouse, and I lost my son), points of our grieving experience are the same. What she shares, having knowledge gained from experience is, life continues, taking your loved one with you.
My experience is only one year into my life without my son, but this is what I have learned.
I am Fine, Not Really – Nora also captures this one. When you ask how I am doing, my response of fine is a deflection. My son is still dead. Why would I be okay? The reason I respond fine depends on the circumstances around the question. The question, “How are you?” has become a standard greeting. Most recipients do not expect you to answer. Pause for a second and the person will move on to the purpose of their engagement. If you know me, I understand your question is sincere, but I am too tired to respond and after all, you already know how I am.
I Do Not Need Your Help, but I Appreciate When You Do – People want to help carry your grief. They want to do anything to make it better. I cannot tell you how to help me, but when you do something, even the simplest of gestures, it does help. Being here for my husband, daughter, and me is a gift. And because grief is lifelong, do not go away after the first ninety days.
Grief is not something a person overcomes, like an illness, it is lifelong. It does not get easier after going through the first year milestones. So far, the second year is hard too. I replay memories of his death and the milestones, and the realization he is not coming back starts to set in. Each person’s grief is their own, but grief is not linear, it is more of an undefined scribble.
I Am on an Emotional Rollercoaster- I find I can laugh and cry in the same instance and I am okay with this.
I will always want to talk about my son, even if doing so makes me cry. Being human is having emotions. I am okay showing them, and you should be okay seeing them. My voice will quiver when I advocate for change. The alternative is not to advocate. If you are asking for volunteers, you decide if you want my help.
I Am Brave – I applaud myself for leaving my house. It is hard to get the courage to engage with people. I hate small talk, always have, and even more so now. I can talk about subjects relevant to me or interject when I have an opinion, but talking is not a favorite pass-time. I had a hard time doing small talk before, and I am okay not doing it now.
Keeping His Memory Alive is Important – I need to talk about my son. I need to say his name and tell stories to keep his memory alive. I need you to do the same.
It is okay not to be okay; there are others not okay too.
Emotional stories take you on roller coaster of lows and highs, leaving you inspired. This is the point where I should be inspirational or funny.
Here is the inspiration – If you are grieving or going through some emotional event, you are not alone because there are people out there too who are not fine, and it is okay not to be okay. It is extremely important to find one person or therapist to share what you are emotionally going through.
If you are on the receiving end of someone you think is going through a crisis or a set-back, regardless of size, don’t shy away and think it will pass. Be there for them.
Now the funny part, I curse more, and sometimes I swear and use the name of God in the same sentence. If this shocks you, I am okay with that too. I know this is not funny, but I am not a comedian. To get your fix, I recommend watching The Daily Show with host Trevor Noah.
References
Stibich, Mark. “Top 10 Causes of Death for Ages 15 to 24.” Verywell Health, <www.verywellhealth.com/top-causes-of-death-for-ages-15-24-2223960>.
Illustration by Shout
Those who have not lost a child told me work is a good distraction. Those who have lost a child told me the same.
There are many famous lines from the Nora Ephron directed and co-written 1993 romantic comedy, Sleepless in Seattle, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. The film contains parallel stories of two people looking for love. Sam is widowed and is seeking a love that is magical, like the one he had with his wife. Annie is looking for a love that is equivalent to Gary Grant, and Debra Kerr’s Hollywood portrayed love story, depicted in An Affair to Remember.
“Work, work will see you through this.”
The quote I recall did not make the list of those I found on the internet. It is from a scene after the death of Sam’s wife, where Sam’s boss tells him to take some time off from work, for a mental break, and take his son fishing. Sam replies by regurgitating the plethora of unsolicited advice he has received, quoting one, “Work, work will see you through this.” It is the quote I remember now because it is relevant to me. Sam and his young son have to figure out how to live with their grief and the hole in their lives. Work as a tool is the advice he receives from well-intended supporters.
I went back to work after 6 months, from my son’s death, first part-time, and then gradually full-time. At least that was the plan. Part-time quickly led to overtime due to the work demands of my job.
I am not the person I was before, everything seems so much harder, including work.
This job seems so much harder than it did before. It is hard to concentrate. The 10 hour day bombardment of emails, instant messages, and working on the weekend is way beyond tolerable. The before me would be fine with the workload, taking it on, and leading through it. But I am different. Even though this work has meaning, it really is not worth the sleepless nights thinking about how to get the job done, and the risks I need to circumvent. I lay awake at 3:00 am replaying the conversations I had during the day, the actions I ran out of time to complete, pictures in my head of presentation material I need to create, and discussions with leaders I need to undertake.
"How are you?" Is that really a question or an opening statement?
Each meeting someone starts the conversation with the ubiquitous question, “How are you? How was your weekend?” On a recent Friday, after a long week, I replied, “I will never answer anything but fine to this question. I do not think people are prepared to receive a truthful response.
The person I was having this conversation agreed with my statement and then opened up sharing, “I am recovering from a terrible cold, and I was up in the middle of the night with my baby.” I was polite. I did not share, “I am beyond terrible. I am living with an incurable broken heart caused by grief, decreased mental and emotional strength, and a soul that is forever changed. “
I avoid work dinners and small talk. I join meetings last, so I do not have to listen to co-workers describe forgettable events and minor struggles like they are materially significant.
Between meetings, I open up email’s to respond. If the answer is not quick, and I have to think through it, my mind quickly moves on to another topic. My eyes move from the keyboard to computer screens, but not registering anything worthwhile. In the evening after the bombardment of the day is over, I weed my way through my desktop full of open emails, unread messages, and open files. Work days move into work evenings so I can have silence to concentrate.
The Grieving Brain
My mind operates differently than before. I miss appointments. I put them in my calendar and set reminders on my phone to alert me, and I still miss them or show up a day early. I quickly forget passwords, or where I wrote them down, and where I put things. I miss my exit, having to double back. I once accidentally gave the little dog the bigger dog’s medicine and thank goodness I came to my senses in time to dig it out of her throat.
I have a short attention span, memory loss, and anger easy. My grief also impacts me physically. I feel tired and weak and have little desire to exercise or eat healthy food. There is a trauma aspect for going back to work, as it brings back all of those memories of my life before he died and the immense anguish and guilt that comes with it.
There is medical research that proves the grieving brain has more activity than a healthy mind, linking to mood changes and the performance of organs.
“[W]hen brain imaging studies are done on people who are grieving, increased activity is seen along a broad network of neurons. These link areas associated not only with mood but also with memory, perception, conceptualization, and even the regulation of the heart, the digestive system, and other organs.” Crook, Thomas, Ph.D. (2011), Prevention Magazine
I am giving myself leeway. Achieving an average performance rating is my new "exceeds exception."
I don’t know if I want my same thinking capacity back, because it puts me back to where I was before my son died; working. I want a simpler life, where I am not bombarded with endless questions and decisions to make.
A friend and suicide loss survivor said she operates at 50% of her before thinking capacity. She prefers repetitive work, where extensive thinking is not a requirement. My symptoms and feelings are similar to those of other loss survivors.
For now, I am on the road of inertia because doing something else takes the energy I do not have. My therapist urges me to envision doing something else with my life, as I do deserve to be happy. Start by taking little steps to gain the strength to make the change.
I have comfort in knowing I am not crazy. Grief brain is real. I am giving myself some leeway not to expect my performance to be at the same level it was before; achieving an average performance rating is my new “exceeds expectation.”
References
Crook, Thomas. “This Is How Your Brain Reacts To Losing A Loved One.” Prevention, Prevention, 13 Dec. 2018, <www.prevention.com/health/memory/a20441690/how-your-brain-reacts-to-grief/>, viewed 16 Feb. 2019.
Losing a family matriarch or patriarch causes multifaceted grief.
My uncle, my mother’s younger brother, recently left earth for his eternal home. His health took a quick downturn, and he was gone in a couple of days. His family and my extended family are now left to grieve his absence and figure out how we will keep the larger family together, as he was our glue. Losing him is multifaceted grief.
My mother’s siblings are my connection to my mother, who departed this earth thirty years earlier. My mother has two older sisters. Her sister, five years her senior, also has passed.
My mother and her brother were two years apart. After her death, my uncle took on the role of matriarch for our family, filling in for my mother. He drove through the mid-west to attend our major family events. He kept the tradition of big family gatherings centered around a smorgasbord of comforting home-cooked food, and my aunt facilitated after dinner competitive games, that make the shyest person show their hidden personality. I learned from these traditions, that eating and cooking together is a foundation for family bonding, and hence, a prescription for the soul.
My mother's family taught me that eating and cooking together is a foundation for family bonding, and hence, a prescription for the soul.
As I aged, I realized I needed a connection to my mother’s family. The more lonely I became in my life, the more I craved their unconditional love and emotional connection. Stepping into their embrace was like walking into my childhood home, swarming me with the warmth of my memories. The next time we see each other, we pick up where we left off.
My daughter has told me she needs these connections. There was immediate bond to second cousins, her great aunt and uncles, and my cousins. We live in separate states, so it requires an intention to build these family relationships. My daughter did not grow up with them. I started making it a priority to build these relationships when she was in high school, my son was already out of the house.
After my son died, I met with mental health and spiritual professionals. They told me I need to find that maternal/paternal-like person who could put their arms around me to comfort me. That person was my uncle. And I was so lucky because my uncle’s comfort came as a package, with his wife, my aunt.
My uncle shared stories about my mother and her siblings, and my grandparents. I am so thankful to have those stories. He told me about the silly emotionally charged arguments amongst his siblings. He told me about his regrets and faults. He created an environment where there were equal standing and respect, so we could openly share our points of view and have deep conversations, regardless of generation or place in the family hierarchy. He did not demand respect just by being. He sincerely earned his respect by creating a genuine relationship with each person in the extended family, regardless of age.
Respect is not based on hierarchical position within the family structure, but by creating a genuine relationship with the family members.
Having gone through trauma, I am more in-tune with my mental health. I need those people in my life I can talk to about my emotions and struggles and they share about theirs with me. I need people who are willing to talk about the taboo, beyond the superficial. I need people in my life who I can go beyond sharing what you would put in a holiday letter.
Creating and living in a family environment where you can talk about real-life and taboo subjects is essential for your mental health.
My daughter is so insightful. She told me early on that one of the reason’s she needs my mother’s family is that they talk about real life. This is so important for one’s mental health. I also find this in my loss survivor support group. I have learned from them to stand up for myself and to make my mental health a priority, and tell it like is. I need those two and a half hours each week, so when someone asks me, “How are you?”, I can tell the truth, that I am not fine. I am dying inside. There is a popular podcast titled, “Terrible, Thank You For Asking.” Its purpose of telling real-life stories brings the subjects and emotions to the forefront to remove the awkwardness of talking about human feelings and struggles. It brings these subjects into normal conversation. Give it a listen.
I also learned a therapist is essential, just like having a primary care provider. I am not ashamed I see a therapist. Society should accept and encourage having a therapist, beginning at a young age, like seeing a pediatrician. We all need to work to remove the negative stigma and discrimination that comes with behavioral health.
Right before my uncle left this earth, I was able to get a message to him to tell him what he has meant to my family and me. I also gave him a message to deliver to my son. I miss my uncle, but I know he is taking care of my son for me, and that brings me some comfort.
I hope putting my thoughts and stories down on paper will be read by my loved ones in their afterlife. Believing that helps me get through my remaining life, without them with me, on this earth.
Tell me about your family culture and how it does or does not bring remedies to your soul by leaving a comment, in the "leave a comment" section. Scroll a little further down and you will find the section.
The holidays are a time for the family to gather and enjoy each other, engaging in traditions. Social media streams pictures of gatherings, perfect family holiday photos, and pictures of smiling people doing fun things. If this is your lens, you may tend to think others will have the same perspective, “If holidays are happy times for me, they must be for everyone else.”
I ask that you put yourselves in other’s shoes and become aware that holidays can be a difficult time for those who are isolated, feeling anxious, have depression, or are grieving.
I now join others who will have an unhappy holiday. My sister asked me if there was anything I wanted to do to “celebrate the season” this year, the first without my son.
When writing this blog entry, I realized this November, is the thirty year anniversary of my mother’s death, my thirty year wedding anniversary, the one year anniversary of my children’s favorite great aunt’s death, (who also died on the same day and month as my mother), and the first Thanksgiving without my son.
My son filled every space he entered with his beautiful face and dry humor that caught you off-guard. He was so engaging with his warm personality. He loved everything that made the holiday sparkle, especially being with his friends, who all came together back home over the holidays. He was planning to move into a house with his friends. He would have asked me for left-over holiday decorations to decorate their house. His to-be roommate had a turntable. He once asked if he could borrow from our vinyl collection when they move in together. He loved holiday music, his favorite singer being Michael Bublé. I too love holiday music and have more holiday vinyl than any other genre. He would have asked to borrow some.
I come from a family where holidays and celebrations include the tradition of preparing and eating good food. Food is not just the enjoyment of all of the sense, but it is also a way for us to be together, participating in the happiness of these preparations. My son loved to eat good food, and he recognized and appreciated when he had it. It was so fun to see him enjoy the gourmet meals I meticulously planned out and prepared which usually include delicacies only offered on special occasions.
His holiday favorites were my Aunt LaDonna’s recipe for scalloped corn (a Thanksgiving tradition), shrimp cocktail recipe from Mustard’s Grill, ribeye roast with wasabi cream sauce from epicourious.com and his grandpa’s molasses crinkle cookies. I have enclosed the links to them, but keep in mind, I usually use a base recipe and then modify to my taste.
Scalloped corn was absent from the Thanksgiving table this year because we forwent the whole event. But my son may have enjoyed it. I realized he is in the same place now as my Aunt Lavone, my mom, and grandma, all excellent cooks.
Our other traditions at family holiday gatherings included playing card games, video games, and the battle of ping-pong which he was the champion. He became skilled at the game after a year in college, where they played in his college dorm. My son played football for a time in high-school. This skill was useful during the annual Thanksgiving day game, now dedicated to him by his cousins.
He would dress up for church and family gatherings in classy attire that showed off his good looks which when he smiled, you could not resist going in for a hug.
He appreciated the hours his sister, and I spent on decorating the house interior and two fresh evergreen trees, one for each living space, making sure he commented on how beautiful it looked. I decorate the largest with Waterford ornaments. The second with ornaments collected on family trips and those passed down from ancestors. He was in charge of putting the electric train his grandfather gave him, around the tree in the living room.
We all would gather to decorate the exterior of our cape cod style home in a Currier and Ives holiday theme. He and his sister lighting the trees and bushes.
Now, I cannot follow these traditions, as they heighten the emptiness we feel because he is not here.
I sit on conference calls from my home office, where people so joyously share about how they spent Thanksgiving and how they are spending time with their families for the other holidays. Many do not know about my grief. Those that do are not self-aware that my silence in the conversation is because of the pain these holidays bring to me.
Mental health experts say “If holidays were a special time in the past and you try to recreate a time long gone, you are setting yourself up for sadness. Create new memories (NAMI, 2014).”
So for right now, please be patient with us as we try to figure out how to do this and do not expect us to participate in the same traditions we did before. It is also important to recognize my son’s “empty chair” and grieve along with us. Say his name, and tell us what you miss.
Scallop Corn
My mom would make scalloped corn every #Thanksgiving. After her death, my sisters and I carried on the tradition. This dish brings all of the memories of my Grandma, and a small Midwest farming town to my mouth. It is warm, creamy, sugary and full of freshness. I adapted the recipe from my mom's, which was missing the fine details, such as measurements of the ingredients.
Cream Style Corn
In place of canned cream corn, I make my own. I adapted this recipe from The Gourmet Cookbook.
Molasses Crinkle Cookies
My son's grandpa makes these cookies every year for the holidays. They are the favorite of his grandchildren, and my husband, my son's father. The originating recipe is from Betty Crocker.
After my son’s death, the extended family shared with me their own mental health experiences or their children’s. Right after his death, I was so angry at the world, God, people. How could they not understand; there was no comparison to their situation if they or their loved one is still alive. That is one of the reasons I started this blog, so people could understand what it was like for my family and me to lose a child by suicide. Now, my anger is just general, not directed toward a particular person or thing.
Six months into this new life, I started to keep a mental count of the number of family members with some experience of mental illness, on both sides of my son’s family.
What I have realized, is we do not share, this part of lives, until an unbelievable tragedy occurs. I filled my Facebook and Instagram accounts with the fun and happy parts of my life and my family’s, no different than any other extended family members’. Annual Christmas cards reflected our accomplishments of what our family did that year.
People tend not share their own struggles or their family struggles with mental health until an unbelievable tragedy occurs.
Nature Versus Nurture
I started to wonder if heredity had something to do with my son’s death. I asked my therapist for research material on genetics and mental illness and suicide. I wondered how much is someone predisposed to suicide because of their genetics or is it their social environment (experiences of mental or physical abuse, experiences of trauma or brain damage). So I went to research.
Not every person with a genetic disposition to mental illness will die by suicide or attempt to die by suicide, and not every person who dies by suicide has a known mental illness.
The research I read, all concluded there is a genetic predisposition to suicide, but there are many other factors such as environmental events and when they occurred while the brain was developing. I found an article published by Mayo Clinic in response to a question if genetics has any influence on predisposing someone to suicide. They stated, “Most likely there is a range of genes that affect the connections and pathways within the brain, and impact suicide risk” (Torborg, 2017).
“Complicating matters further, a process called epigenetics1also comes into play when considering the effect of genes on suicide. This process controls when certain genes are turned on or off as a person grows and develops, and it can be influenced by what happens in a person’s environment.” I learned that diet and exposure to pollutants could also impact the epigenome. I wonder if marijuana is considered a pollutant?
Other suicide risks factors that come into play, such as the presence of psychiatric illness and predisposed personality characteristics of impulsivity and anxiety are at a higher risk to suicide (Violette, Turecki, n.d.). Mayo Clinic also concluded that those who die by suicide have a high correlation to psychiatric illness (“mood disorders, psychotic disorders, certain personality disorders, and substance use disorders”) each which have a genetic component as well.
On the flip side, there is a documentary, Three Identical Strangers (Amazon Prime, 2018) about three identical triplets that were separated at six months of age and raised by three different families. The triplets find each other as young adults, but hidden in this true story is a study of nature versus nurture. Nurture wins out, but not really, because there is a tragedy. It is a study of how parenting styles affect the outcome of a child’s life. I encourage you to watch it as it is well done. It is available on most streaming services. Spoiler warning, if you are going to watch it, skip the remainder of this paragraph. The triplets have mental illness on the maternal side of the family. The brother brought up in a strict household, is the one to die by suicide.
Keep in mind, not every person with a genetic disposition to mental illness will die by suicide or attempt to die by suicide, and not every person who dies by suicide has a known mental illness. There is still a lot to learn as researchers have not yet found the specific genes that increase the vulnerability to suicide and the role of environmental influences.
The Holiday Letter
I told a fellow loss survivor mom that I was never going to send out another holiday card. She shared that she continues to send out holiday letters after the loss of her daughter, not missing a year. She is just very honest in telling their family story for that year. When you prepare your holiday letter or photo card, I encourage to you say it like it is, including the hardships, failures, and triumphs. After all, we are supposed to be your family and friends who support each other.
Footnotes
1. The epigenome is made up of chemical compounds and proteins that can attach to DNA and direct such actions as turning genes on or off, controlling the production of proteins in particular cells, (U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2018).
2. Psychiatric illness in this reference is autism, attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, and schizophrenia.
References
Three Identical Strangers. Directed by Tim Wardle. Starring Edward Galland, David Kellman, and Robert Shafran. Universal Studios, 2018. Amazon, 2018.
Torborg, L. (2017, April 15) Mayo Clinic Q and A: Suicide and genetics — a complicated association. Retrieved from <https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mayo-clinic-q-and-a-suicide-and-genetics-a-complicated-association/>. Viewed on October 2, 2018.
Violette, Richard M.A., Gustavo Turecki M.D., Ph.D., (n.d.). Genetics of Suicide. McGill Group for Suicide Studies. Retrieved from <http://www.suicidefindinghope.com/content/genetics_of_suicide/>. Viewed on October 2, 2018
U.S. National Library of Medicine (October 2, 2018) What is epigenetics? Retrieved from <https://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/primer/howgeneswork/epigenome>. Reviewed on October 2, 2018.
There is an opportunity for comedians to save a life in the most vulnerable group of users, just by changing their comedic storyline.
Recently, Dr. Jennifer Ashton, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent spoke on the morning news, about a spike in marijuana use for college age, young adults, the highest use in three decades. In my son’s case, I know street marijuana is not a safe drug. There can be unknown additives to the drug, and by ingesting it, you can not control the high. But kids do not believe there are real dangers because famous comedians glamorize its use. There is an opportunity for comedians to save a life in the most vulnerable group just by changing their comedic storyline.
I did not think smoking a marijuana joint periodically was harmful. I never did it, but I had a suspicion my son did, or at least his friends. The first time I had a suspension was a year before he died. He had just moved into his new apartment. My son and I drove over together so he could show it to me. He opened the door and then quickly closed it, and said, “Just a moment.” Before he completely shut the door, I could see through the door crack, his roommate getting up from the couch. We waited a minute, and then he opened it up again. His roommate was no longer sitting on the couch. I could tell by the smell he had been smoking marijuana, but I shrugged it off, thinking, it was harmless and I wanted to be positive for my son.
Since starting this blog, people have shared with me, either their struggles with mental illness or those of a loved one, who died by suicide. Many include a connection to marijuana use.
They described its purpose as “self-medicating.” One described himself as being a “stoner” for his prolonged use of smoking marijuana, specifically to slow down his mind, that is a symptom of his attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Another said, “It is a brain-altering drug – affecting my thinking, and intensifying anxious feelings.” Also sharing, “The effects of edibles was like tripping.” This commonality got to me, where I thought there is something here to share.
After my son died, I met with his therapist, whom he saw six months prior. He told her he only smoked socially. She questioned if it was prohibiting his executing functioning since he avoided starting things that would move him along in his life, like looking for a job, academics, or dating. My son told his therapist that it did not affect him.
I recently learned he smoked in college with his friends, on the weekends, before going out. They liked the feeling of being high, and his friend told me, for himself, it helped him relax and forget about the stress of school and life. This use seems harmless, except for my son, with ADHD. Marijuana use by someone with ADHD has more adverse effects than someone with no mental illness.
Marijuana use by someone with ADHD has more adverse effects than someone with no mental illness.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and was smoking marijuana every day (said to me by one of his friends) during the last year. He had ingested a homemade brownie laced with marijuana, earlier in the day before he took his life. I found out later that baking these brownies with his friends was common. It was meant to be a fun social thing. I found a video on his computer, made a couple of years ago, of him with two of his friends, making marijuana brownies, laughing, and having a good time.
One responder to my blog shared, “With ADHD sometimes your mind feels like it’s going 100 MPH and marijuana slows it way down. Medication does the same, but it is not as enjoyable.”
There is more mental health professions need to do to warn patients taking recreational marijuana, because even though the user may have read about it, it is different when hearing it directly from a trusted medical professional, in an influencing manner. Regardless if the patient says there are only smoking socially, mental illness and street drugs do not mix, and medical professionals need to tell them about the perils.
By making this blanket statement about the ill effects of recreational marijuana, the young, educated adults, who are smart, may challenge me on this. They grew up watching comedians and celebrities that present the marijuana experience as fun and harmless.
There is research results on the effects of marijuana use.
My therapist and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) have been helpful in providing me with research articles on the effects of marijuana use for someone with ADHD.
- People with ADHD may have trouble with academics, socially, and in normal development. Marijuana worsens the ability to conduct executive functioning(to organize cognitive processes like planning ahead, prioritizing, stopping and starting activities, shifting from one activity to another and monitoring one’s behavior), (understood.org, 2018).
- Marijuana for some can increase anxiety, including paranoia. Street marijuana is usually stronger than medical marijuana as it may contain other chemicals (understood.org, 2018).
- Young adults may use marijuana in an attempt to self-medicate, forgoing prescribed medication, due to their negative side effects (DeMaria, 2016).
- Young adults who do take their prescribed medication to treat ADHD may use marijuana to temper anxiety and insomnia side effects that commonly come with the prescribed medication (DeMaria, 2016).
- The is a high correlation for those with ADHD to also have other psychiatric disorders such as anxiety or depression, which have links to suicide. Young adults may use marijuana to self-medicate to reduce the symptoms from the other disorders (DeMaria, 2016).
- “Childhood ADHD has a risk factor for subsequent substance abuse problems, which carry significant mortality(risks),” (Soreff, Xiong, 2018).
- ADHD is not an isolated psychiatric disorder, according to research, “An estimated 9% of children between ages 3–17 have ADHD. While ADHD is usually diagnosed in childhood, it does not only affect children. An estimated 4% of adults have ADHD” (nami.org 2018).
The Comedic's Storyline of Pot to Solve Problems
My son followed Joe Rogan, who is a comedian. He has a new Netflix special, Strange Times. Rogan is funny, covering current topics in a raw fashion, without sensitivity. He would not be my first choice to watch as I prefer the cleaner comedians like Jerry Seinfeld, which my son also liked. Rogan talks about “pot” in this new special, as he normally does in his specials. I visualized the story he was telling, of teenage boys or young adults, being together, smoking.
“ It is a confusing time for teenage boys.” I would also add young adults. “Everyone is asking, “What are you going to do for a living, your almost a man?” Rogan, continues, adding the narrative from the boys’ perceptions, “Adults are chasing material possessions, doing things they hate, stuck in a rut. You do not want that kind of life. How do you get out of that? Stick with your friends, figure it out, unwind, smoke some weed.”
I can visualize this conversation because my son shared with me how he did not want what my life brought, where I worked hard at a salaried job, many times long hours, with my work just being a job, and not a passion. He told me, there was more to life than possessions. He never asked for “the latest” of anything.
Change the perception of recreational marijuana use from “normal” to a cautionary tale, because it does not mix with people who have psychiatric disorders that are linked to suicide.
I bring Rogan into this topic, because celebrities, particularly comedians, have a mechanism to reach the young male audience, to change the perception of recreational marijuana use from “normal” to a cautionary tale, because it does not mix with people who have psychiatric disorders that are linked to suicide. It could make a difference. It could save a life.
- Nearly 1 in 25 (10 million) adults in America live with a serious mental illness (nami.org).
- Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years (SAVE.org).
- Males account for 70% of all suicides (afsp.org).
REFERENCES
DeMaria, Peter A. “Cannabis Use Disorders and ADHD: Journal of Addiction Medicine.” LWW, Oxford University Press, Jan. 2016, <journals.lww.com/journaladdictionmedicine/Citation/2016/02000/Cannabis_Use_Disorders_and_ADHD.12.aspx>.
NAMI. “ADHD.” NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, 0AD, viewed on 07, September 2018. Retrieved from <www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/ADHD>.
Rogan, Joe, Director: Anthony Giordano. “Joe Rogan: Strange Times.” Netflix Official Site, 2 Oct. 2018, <www.netflix.com/title/80215419>.
Soreff, Stephen, and Glen Xiong. “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Background, Pathophysiology, Epidemiology.” <MedScape, 17 Sept. 2018, emedicine.medscape.com/article/289350-overview#a6>.
The Understood Team, understood.org 2018, Experts Weigh In: Marijuana and ADHD, viewed 7 October 2018. Retrieved from <https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/marijuana-and-adhd>.
Last November, season tickets went on sale for the 2018-2019 Broadway shows, coming to our city. The season included the coveted Hamilton. The season tickets go on sale before the season starts. Then, a couple of months beforehand, they put individual tickets on sale. Due to unprecedented response, subscriptions for the season tickets sold out in the same day. Actually, it crashed their system in the morning for several hours. My husband was at work, on his computer, notebook, and phone. I was on my computer and cell phone, for hours, listening to the automated “hold” music and hitting refresh on my computer, while engaged at work.
After three hours he finally got an operator, who said she would call him back. We needed four tickets, all together, balcony, in the front. In the meantime, in case the ticket agent did not call back, he was able to secure 2 sets of two, and so did I. The sales agent called my husband back with 4 tickets, all together. Now we had a lot of money on tickets, fortunately, we were able to return the other season tickets.
Our adult children were excited. They loved Broadway. They became hooked when we took them to New York City for Christmas of 2010. My son was in high school and my daughter in grade school. We saw In the Heights. A musical with music and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda (who also wrote the music, lyrics, and story, for Hamilton). In the Heights was nominated for 13 Tony Awards, and received four, including Best Musical. Lin-Manuel Miranda also received the Tony for the Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical for his role as Usnavi (In the Heights’ protagonist).
Our children, as adults now, shared how fortunate they were to have seen such a great piece of art, in acting, choreography, and music, and the guy (Lin-Manuel Miranda), who is now renowned famous.
My son was very happy we secured the season tickets. My daughter, her college friend, and my son stood around the island in the kitchen talking about what a great season it will be when we get to see Hamilton as well as several other big hits.
I am sure you all know that Hamilton is a hip-hop based musical about Alexander Hamilton, a “founding father” of the United States of America. Most of the lyrics are sung fast, so we all did our homework beforehand, listening to the soundtrack, watching the PBS special on the making of Hamilton, Hamilton’s America(2016). and read the story. We knew what was coming, the death of Hamilton’s son, and the post-song, “It’s Quiet Uptown”, describing the unimaginable. It is different, seeing it in person; the actors on stage take you in and make it real, as it if were truly happening; you are feeling their pain. My daughter and I lost control of our emotions, and the tears poured out. It is also emotional when Hamilton is shot and dies.
We walked out of the theater in silence. My son’s friend took his place, who is a hip-hop artist. He wrote a song which he performed at my son’s funeral. He graciously thanked us and we parted ways with a hug. Driving home, the three of us were all off: short with each other. We each were missing him, our son, her brother.
My son loved music and most genres. He had three plays list on Spotify, which contained 50 hours of rap music. I never cared much for rap music, mostly because of the explicit language and references to drugs. Going through his computer, I found he also had music on an additional streaming service, Soundcloud. There was a single playlist, titled, “Favorites.” It is hip-hop/rap music, containing 24 songs posted a year ago. It includes artists like “Chance the Rapper” (given name, ChancelorJonathan Bennett), Snoop Dogg, The Americanos, Kidswaste, Towkio, and a few others. The music in this playlist is uplifting, and there are some references to Christian theology and struggles with faith. I learned that each of these songs has a story. I looked up some of the lyrics to understand them. The song, “Somewhere in Paradise” I think, references “tripping” which may be a reference to psychedelics, but it is relatable and spiritual.
The refrain includes the lyrics:
“I believe that if I fly, prollyend up somewhere in paradise
I believe that if I fly, I’ll prollyend up somewhere in paradise
I believe,I believe, there’s somewhere out there for us all
There’s a paradise (there is a paradise)
I believe that if I die, I’ll see my homies somewhere in paradise
(I’ll see ’em somewhere in paradise)” (Chance the Rapper, Jeremih, R. Kelly, 2015).
I hope my son is in paradise, and he is with his “homie.” That is what I need to believe.
We have four tickets to Dear Evan Hansen, a musical about mental illness and youth suicide. The musical won six Tony Awards, including Best Musical. It comes to town June 2019. That gives us some time to decide if we will attend, listen to the music, and prepare ourselves.
REFERENCES
Chance the Rapper, Jeremih, R. Kelly, Somewhere in Paradise, single, 2015, Spotify, <https://open.spotify.com/track/29BXCsh4lGLrndprkgYL6O?si=I9kkR9IqT9OWFYGTBb2C7w>.
